ADHD is Annoying

So says my eight year old ADHDer. I am pretty sure I’ve mentioned how she is very hard on herself. Extremely hard on herself about her perceived weaknesses. From ADHD itself and her forgetfulness, to the common co-morbidities that tend to come with ADHD-the learning disabilities or challenges, they all combine to make her feel like a failure. I’m one of those relaxed parents. It’s not about me. There’s a lady I know whose child was obviously neurodiverse in some way. She recently had the child assessed because of the struggles she was having when helping the child with homework. In her words, “I am intelligent. I got frustrated thinking I have a child who’s slow! Helping her was just too frustrating.”

I’m definitely not dumb, but my biological son’s being behind by a year doesn’t reflect on me. I just taught him according to his ability. No skin off my nose! And same with my other children. Their (dis)abilities are about THEM. “How can I help THEM do better? Is it possible? If not, what can we do instead? How do I make this less stressful for them so they don’t feel stupid?”

And so, I changed curriculum to one I’d seen recommended by Christian parents of neurodiverse children. And I started a grade level below where she’d been struggling, working as slowly as possible, and ignoring or turning a blind eye to the problem areas -such as number reversals like the ones below.

She’s eight years old. We use computers s lot these days. And…She’s eight. We will trace every now and then, create the numbers and letters out of play dough, and one day, it will click. Why stress her when I know the number she is trying to write?

Slightly tangential but relevant. I thanked a friend today for how she approaches parenting and what she shares with me. She too is an adoptive mom. Her children are neurotypical and participate a host of sports and dance and do well! Yet what she focuses on is worrying about her son playing rugby and getting hurt-not on whether the team won or not. She worries about her daughter being tired and over worked. HOW she does in her dance competitions doesn’t matter to her. The prizes aren’t important. She just enjoys knowing her children are happy. I can definitely enjoy her updates about her children.

On the other hand, you have the mother also of neurotypical children who’s always posting photos of her “beautiful” children taking part in this and that, their amazing achievements and the awards and prizes they got. For a mom like me, even before I had differently abled children, I couldn’t get behind such parents. I remember a relative telling me their child came first in their class. My immediate thought was to retort, “So did mine.”🤣 (We are homeschoolers, so…😉)

My first two children were academic achievers. Even now they aren’t too shabby, they got one C for their IGCSE exams and the rest were A and my son got one A*. But I don’t boast about their achievements and never did. I taught them to read at a very early age. By age three and four, both could read three letter and four letter words. By five and six, they could read adult texts fluently. My sister-in-law used to visit, and she would take them to the aquarium and to the museum and when there were people around, ask my children to read the descriptions and information written next to the exhibits, just to shock and surprise people, who would invariably ask, “They can read!?? How old are they!?”

But I never recorded them reading. I never sent it to anyone. I never told anyone. Because my first aim in educating them is to have them become kind and helpful citizens, not amazing academics.

And so, with that mindset, this poor mom and her multiple posts about her children’s achievements was always going to do down like a lead balloon. Add the challenges I have with my neurodiverse children, and you have a mom who does not want to know. It hurts. It triggers a pain that goes deep. I hate that my children struggle. I hate that my daughter feels so bad about herself.

She asked me what the point is in doing a grade she understands when we will have to go up a level and she will flounder again. She had asked not to do Maths at all, because of her struggles. It took a lot to convince her to try. Even now, when counting in tens, whether looking at a number chart or not, she will say 80, 90, 20 even though she knows there’s a difference between 19 and 90. I just quietly drill, making sure I use the chart more so she sees it while saying it, and so I don’t have to correct her.

Yes, ADHD is annoying. The untidy room, the lost socks, the crazy wild movements that bump other children, the fidgeting that tears her clothes and pulls her hair out are annoying sometimes. But only she (and her teen sister who just doesn’t get it no matter how often I explain ADHD and give her videos to watch) feels annoyed by ADHD constantly.

I just feel a general sense of sadness, not annoyance. Last week she said she’ll never have a job. I asked why she would say that. She said she would be fired for forgetting things, and learning in university would be too hard for her anyway, so she wouldn’t even qualify for a job. I told her that there are different kinds of jobs. She could be a caregiver in a nursing or retirement home. But she then said she’d forget her duties. I told her she would write them down as she underwent training, and keep the notes with her. She would also see what other caregivers were doing and copy them. And if the elderly people could talk, they’d remind her too. And she would maybe even be able to explain to the boss that she has ADHD, and concessions would hopefully be made for her. Who knows?

I hope she will internalise it even though she doesn’t believe it right now.

“Mommy isn’t annoyed with my ADHD. She loves me and wants me to be happy.”