I Don’t Have a Mothet

This is weird. I now have experienced what people go through when they forget the person is deceased and still think they will see them.

I saw a message from my sister’s colleague saying I should call home urgently. But I was busy preparing for my appointment in a few hours. Then I saw a call from my parents’ neighbors and I thought, “Ok, something terrible has happened. A terrible injury, or a death… My going now as opposed to later will not change the outcome… A call from my half brother-son of my father came in and I knew. “One of my parents is dead. I’d better get the children’s lunch and diapers etc sorted.”

Then, a message from the relative who told me she and my mother didn’t want us to adopt and God had cursed us with twins for doing so… How ironic. My text above her one telling me my mother had died was saying, “Wow, innocent children. Thanks for showing me your heart.” You can’t make it up.

So, I told her I had an appointment to go to that I canceled because of unplanned surgery and I didn’t want to cancel it again do I’d go later to the house. . I don’t even know how many grand children to put in the obituary. I don’t even want to plan one.

It is so, so complex. The night before, I’d looked up a whole lot of word on narcissistic mothers. And as I approached the house, sipping up my jacket, my thought was, “Uh oh, brace yourself. She will tell you you’re fat.”

Except she won’t because she’s no longer alive.

What a sad life, that all your daughter can think of about your parenting recently is the vitriol your sister spewed, and your negative comments on looks.

I lost a mother.

But not a loving, caring mother. Just a mother who looked good to outsiders. She didn’t even know I’d had surgery. She knew nothing about my life when hers ended. She missed out on wonderful children who loved her deeply.

Right now, I’m frozen. I did weep. But only when I got home and realized that out of all the relatives and family members milling around, coming in and out, only a distant aunt cared enough to ask how I am, and to ask about my children. And she spoke very positively about homeschooling, upset that the government is clamping down on it. wanting to arrest us if we don’t comply to their laws and South African curriculum and paying for external people to test our children annually. My teens and MANY others have done just fine without that.

So yes, I wept over ONE person caring shot me and wishing me well.

That is the upshot, I lost a ‘mother’ in the true sense of what a mother should be, long ago. I don’t know if I ever really had one. And, some ‘strangers’ care about me. Unlike what my mom thought, my life as an educator of my children is not a waste in their eyes.

Weird post. Weird life. Grieving what could have been… Maybe it’s better this way. I started the grieving process long ago.