What I Did

I see books answering why Christians suffer.

As I’ve said before, why shouldn’t we?

I don’t get why we’d assume that following Christ gives us immunity from trials and suffering and pain.

When you know your Bible, you know many good people who went through terrible things. So one thing I can tell you I did NOT do was to waste the night asking why me. Not in the sense of “But I don’t deserve it!”

What I did during those hours was try sleep, was go take two Panados and try again. Then I read a book by a British foster carer (All the ones I’ve seen have been by British women. Maybe Americans aren’t allowed to write even under pseudonyms like the Brits?)

I told myself that the parting is exactly why I preferred to adopt. I can’t. The mourning they go through, the mourning their bio children go through when the children find adoptive families or go back to their parents or into a different care system is too painful. They are stronger than I could ever be.

And it explains why the foster mom seemed so sour when we got our girl from her. Actually, I know it is because later she said she didn’t like a couple that adopted one of her babies and then said insightfully, “But I think it’s because I don’t think anybody would be good enough for the baby. I wouldn’t like anyone!” It took her a while to warm up to me. And it was only after we both had lots to say about how bad the adoption agency was. (Remember how she asked ME why she had to fetch our baby from a baby home as an emergency placement and care for her fractured arm? Why was her arm broken? And why didn’t they tell her anything? Did I know anything? And as you may recall, I only knew because a different foster mom told me the truth.)

I asked God how I’m meant to parent when He allows me to suffer so much. I also prayed for people -my friends, my children. Lots of time to pray.

I emailed the rheumatologist to ask for stronger pain meds.

I wondered if I’d done too much work during the day.

And I went to the loo a few times.

That’s what I did all night long. Then I got up and washed my hair.

And I’m typing here listening to my out of control children outside and wondering how we will survive all these days with no ADHD treatment. Last night was AWFUL. And it’s almost exam time for my teens.

I googled therapeutic Omega 3 dosages and found that it’s in dispute that high doses actually help anyway. Not what I wanted to read. So, when I go fetch my meds this morning, I’ll look for any other supplement that promises me help while I continue the Mentat and Omega.

I had LOTS to think about!