Celebrations and Lamentations

Monday was a happy day. And the twins certainly enjoyed their fourth birthday.

But of course, those who live in the valley can’t help but think of said valley. I didn’t know I had AS when they (and my other two) were conceived. I have heard NOW that patients are told to first have their AS under control, and THEN fall pregnant as AS seems to be dangerous for the unborn babies.

Oops.

Also, research has shown that AS patients have a flare up in their second trimester. That is ME! I always had horrible morning sickness till week 16. Then two weeks where I bloomed and blossomed and felt happy. No more threatened miscarriages that always happened in the first trimester, no more sickness all day. Then week 18 would come, and like clockwork, all hell would break loose. And I didn’t know why. I’d have to take breaks when shopping because the pain was horrendous. My rib cage felt like it was breaking. I feared I’d never be able to walk again. I wasn’t able to exercise- leading to insensitive women complaining about how fat I became instead of celebrating the healthy babies. Pregnancy was torture.

We had a lovely birthday Monday.

But today is Thursday. And today, I had to go repeat my kidney function bloods. I had a moment in the shower. I was (am) feeling much more fatigue than normal- I assume it’s the effects of yesterday’s Injection number five. I had to drag myself into the shower and I just wept. I didn’t “WANT to go get my bloods done. I don’t want to have to wonder how gentle or rough the person will be. I don’t WANT to keep doing this. It’s been 43 years of being chronically ill. I’m tired…”

But I went anyway.

And a very talkative gentleman came and sat next to me. He started by talking about how full it is for so early in the morning. He told me how he’s TIRED of being pricked all the time. He knew he’d never be cured, so why not just let him die? He didn’t want to be there to be pricked often and he’s lived a full life at 80 years old. Boy could I relate to him.

David, Isaiah, Jeremiah, many lamented the state of things. The church, their lives… Their heads were bowed with sorrow and their eyes were heavy with tears. Lamenting is nothing new, and nothing God can’t handle.

And, like those Bible warriors, we keep going anyway. Tired but aiming for triumph. Sad, but accepting. Wishing for better, while appreciating the good. He has lovely children, he has delightful grandchildren… His life has something worth celebrating.

Thank you to my faithful commenter who celebrates and laments with me. We are in this world, we sadly can’t have one without the other, right? But, we soldier on.

Smiling and hiding it. Like all good mothers and grandfathers.❤️