I still haven’t recovered from the infection to the point where the rheumatologist thinks it would be safe to unleash an immunosuppressant on me. “No redness and no swelling.”
Instead, I have white. The hole is no longer producing the stuff you’d assume would cause the current whiteness. Pus. I hate the word. Sorry for grossing you out! The joke itself has not closed up.
And I definitely do not have “no swelling.”
In fact, pain has increased.
Not so normal finger.
I really woke up hoping for the best today. Hoping to inject. Looking FORWARD to the stomach pain and bloating.
I always understood intellectually the cancer survivors who’d write how distressed they were that their white blood cells weren’t a high enough number for more chemo. A count reduced by the very chemo! Thats where I am. Enbrel has probably suppressed my ability to fight. But I desperately want it so we can know the way forward sooner rather than later.
I’m disappointed. Sad. Tired. I want to be pain free. I don’t want to get up from sitting on the toilet, or stand up straight from bending over the bin and scream from pain from those movements as what happened today. (Hopefully that’s the last time!)
I just want a bit of hope. Please 🙏🏾
They said I should write a book 