I’ll Thank Him ANYWAY

Wow, wow, wow. After a terrible night where my elbow (the one that was operated on ) was keeping me up, today took me back to 2011. The pain is low, where my coccyx is. And it has not reduced in intensity no matter which tablets I’ve taken. I just want to CRY. Or kick. Or scream!

This is nonsense! Deep ache going down my leg. It’s like someone is drilling into my back, and I don’t know why it’s so bad! I didn’t overdo anything yesterday. I didn’t sweep anywhere today. I didn’t bend into a trolley like I do sometimes when Mr doesn’t do the grocery shopping with me. I didn’t do much of a workout, only 15 minutes…I didn’t even wash dishes- I stacked the dishwasher. Ok, I guess THAT bending might not have helped. But it shouldn’t be like that! It shouldn’t be like this!!!! Life is not meant to be about levels of pain. It should be pain free completely.

I read something shared by one of the Associations. I can’t recall if it was the British AS one or the other one called something like ‘Autoimmune inflammatory Arthritis society,” that covers all the autoimmune inflammatory arthritis types out there, but anyway, the article said that scientists had found that unlike rheumatoid arthritis where it’s the joint that’s inflamed, for AS, it’s the bone, not the joint. No duh!! We feel it throughout, it’s not only in the joint! I could have told them that for free. But I felt validated too. Because every time I tried to seek help and they’d try tell me it’s muscle not bone, I’d tell them that to ME it feels like my bone. They would try poke my JOINTS in my between my spinal vertebrae even up to my middle back area (as opposed to down in my my SI joints where I said the pain was!) and of course I didn’t feel much there back in 2011-2015!

What do I with all this? The excruciating pain? The fatigue that was so evident that Mr felt sorry for me, telling me at midday that I look “so tired, shame!” What do I do when I feel extremely alone, nauseated from the pain tablets and helpless?

I thank God anyway. He must be doing SOMETHING with all this suffering. It can’t be for nothing. It’s been decades and it’s relentless. He MUST be preparing something stupendous and amazing for me. I know He will wipe the tears away, I know He will be excited to give me a new body. I know He sees my pain and hates that I’m going through it. And I know He loves that I lean on Him anyway. Even though He isn’t healing me.

Even though He isn’t healing me.

God isn’t a fairy godmother like I thought when I was a child and expected Him to work miracles for me. He isn’t magical. He doesn’t just do things for the sake of just doing them. He doesn’t NEED to perform a miracle in order for me to believe in Him, trust Him and love Him like He has to for some doubters. So..Why SHOULD He heal me when I don’t need to be well in order to glorify Him?

I can ‘live’ for God even when I feel like death would be preferable. I can show His character to every radiographer. To every doctor…The GP just had this look of awe on Friday as he heard about my life- he’d wanted to write me a sick note to be off work for the finger, not my bones. Like he was seeing what the friend of an acquaintance saw in me, like I’m an angel. (Not that I FEEL like one.)

God made me to glorify Him in the pain. And I can do THAT perfectly. I can smile at my children, sympathize when they spin and smash into the TV stand, getting a bloody lip. I can praise my teen daughter for giving away a whole box of expensive, fancy biscuits (she’d bought for herself) to a beggar on the street whose board claimed he had no food at home. I can be a present mom precisely because I know God is present for me too.

I’ve been studying the book of Job. I always study the Bible from the start to the end. I don’t do thematic study except for when it comes to Daniel and Revelation where I compare similar themes. This month more than ever, I felt Job. When his friends hurl accusation after accusation, he can confidently tell them he KNOWS God is not punishing Him for something because he has done nothing wrong, and done everything right.

And so do I.

I got sick from infancy. I did nothing wrong. And I aim to do everything right. Unlike some accusations hurled at me over the years, I DO have faith. Faith that God knows best. Unlike some accusations, I know I will not be miraculously healed by seeing some weird guy who claims to fly to Russia in his head! I know my healing will be when God comes. After all, I’ve heard of some AS patients going into remission. But not healed. Why should I think I deserve what they don’t have? I know of too many AS patients who have died due to it. Why should I live? I’m not any better or more worthy than they were.

And that’s ok. I’ll thank Him anyway. I’ll praise Him for the good and the bad. I’ll thank Him for the little milestones. Like how my non-talking twin was terribly afraid of dolls for AGES! And now suddenly has been taking her big sister’s baby girl from her room. I will tell you that I left the shops extremely sore but happy that I found two brown babies for the twins so the one stop stealing her big sister’s baby, and so the other stops crying that she too doesn’t have one in HER hand.

My baby girl isn’t scared of dolls anymore!! I’ll thank Him. Now and forever more.