I know that some prefer to read. I’m one of them! With a busy household, or when I’m hiding from my Pull Mommy Twin, or when I’m lying down in pain and they’re napping, reading works better than watching video. So some things will be on both channels though with different slants or twists or new information. Apologies in advance.
You know, it’s hard. We won’t sugarcoat it. I have young people who said they didn’t get what I meant about my gentle mentioning of sleep issues till their newborn stopped sleeping well. So I’ll be one of those who shows the reality. Not to complain. Not to be dramatic, but because it’s true, to remind those with easier lives to be grateful for the things they’re probably taking for granted, and to encourage others in my shoes.
I spent ages searching for learning centers for my Pull Mommy Twin. Mostly BECAUSE she pulls me so much. How will I teach the other three and supervise the teens if I’m being pulled away, and when I refuse, I cause a long and loud tantrum? And also, I can’t. I just can’t.
Unlike my older two at this age who were doing their Maths on their own…As in, I’d show them the pages they’re meant to be answering (after we’ve learnt how to do sums) and I could leave them to work while I went to care for the baby. But now, at the exact same ages, my middle two can’t even COUNT. Can’t even recognise all numbers, let alone be left alone to do anything- not only because they can’t read anyway, but because they’ll do impulsive things when left alone.
Like this. This is why we don’t go to the library…🥹
So, I can’t. I can’t split myself up. When I’m busy deeply involved with one, what are the other three doing? And what are the chances that Pull Mommy Twin would even leave us in peace?
For now, while I ‘do school’ with the middle two, the twins have quiet time in their bedrooms where they get to regulate themselves in peace and quiet. Where they play with their toys that are meant for individual play, and where my Talking Twin can read books the way SHE wants to read them. Which is to zoom past instead of letting mom read the words accompanying the pictures.
But then Quiet Time ends! It’s not forever! So I give them iPads with Khan Kids Academy and other pre school stuff but Pulling Mommy Twin doesn’t like much so she just runs around screeching in peace.
That also ends! It’s for educational purposes, not to turn them into zombies.
And in all of this, there’s a very sick mom who can’t sit, can’t stand without pain. Teaching, truth be told- is not for me anymore. I need disability leave.
It’s hard. But God is with me. I search and seem to be empty handed, but there might be hope this week. We just need to know how much this will cost us. And that’s the rub. Some things medical aid will cover, but specialized autism care isn’t paid for. Not the kind of help my angel needs. And so many learning centers want children who can go to the toilet independently. My girl doesn’t even feel uncomfortable with her diaper used, and never seeks help and can’t sit still long enough to produce a wee! So there’s no potty training any time soon.
It’s hard. But God is with me. He has the power to fix things. But now is not HIS time and so I submit. I know He pities me. He said so in the Bible that He pities me just like a daddy pities his child. My nine year old has a weird lump on her knee that’s very painful and scary to us. I pity her. I wish I could fix it. In the same way I phoned the paediatrician’s office and accepted a call to go in sooner, He too is doing what He can under certain limitations, before helping us out completely. But He is with us just like I’m with my girl though I’m not able to do anything materially to help her.
When the time comes, we will get help.
When the time comes God will help us in an even better way than any hospital can. He will give us brand new bodies! Bodies that will never get AS, painful lumps in children’s bodies. Bodies that will never run out of air when doing low impact exercise.
I just need to wait. It’s excruciating but God is waiting with me. And how can I rush Him when maybe tomorrow a dinner might repent? By begging Him to shut the chance for others! repentance so that I can stop suffering, I shut heaven out. So, I wait for His timing. Plus, I know He has His own timetable anyway so my begging for His return is almost silly!
Some Christian ideas can’t be tied up in a pretty bow. Doesn’t matter that Christ rose again, He still suffered first. How sad for Mary to watch her firstborn son suffer so terribly when He’d never hurt a single soul. Some stories don’t have near endings like Job’s did, where he regained His health and became a parent again.
Some people will go to the grave never having borne a child in their womb. Some will die never having had a job despite trying everything they could. Some people have to accept that God’s grace is sufficient and learn to be content despite the ache be it in their soul or in their bones.
It’s hard. But it’s not hard ALL the time unless we wallow in our misery. But if we are open to the tiny moments of release or reprieve or joy, we will have a mental break from the hard.
My girl wanted her siblings to put their stacking rings in her brother’s flip flop on Friday.
Of course her big brother and sister couldn’t fit them all in. But I hoped that a shoe change wouldn’t be cause for a tantrum. And it wasn’t. Simple!
And just when I thought the coast was clear, she took some rings from her twin’s toy to add to the shoe! I begged my son to run to the toy box and get rid of any he might come across! Save me!
Not only was she happy that she, I mean, I , got all the rings in a shoe, but she became so happy that she spoke! “Boat” she said, as she played and moved it as if it was in the sea.
I need to remind myself that I don’t always have to be supermom. Plain mom will do. I need to be constantly worrying about her speech, her mood, her brother’s delays…I can be in the moment, savoring being able this time, to find a solution to her problems.
And when I hear that scream, the one tells me she’s being denied something she shouldn’t have, or wanting something impossible to achieve, I’ll remember the time I could please her. And hope for many more moments. Hope is ok. Hope is sometimes all we have. And it helps us get through the hard times with less scarring on our hearts.
What was your recent victory? When you feel overwhelmed, remember it. You are more than all your problems. And if you are faithful, they will end while you remain. Better. Happier. Healthier. Trial free.
Just keep gritting your teeth till then. We will grit them together.🙏🏾
They said I should write a book 