Eureka!

I’m reading a book by the wife of an MND patient and she says something along the lines of how sometimes, “focusing on the positives” is actually a form of denial. That’s it!! That is exactly it!

This encapsulates exactly why I hate it when people ask me how I am, I tell them, and they respond with, “At least you…” Classic and real example. I told someone about my daughter’s rib. Her response was, “At least you know what the problem is.”

Lady! Knowing WHAT the problem is doesn’t solve the problem! That’s basically denying that there is a problem! It trivialises and minimizes the reality. And ..you can deny your own reality, but don’t ask someone about their life and then minimise the impact on them! And surprise surprise, knowing has not solved the problem indeed and it ever remains..a problem.

Please don’t say any “at least” statements to someone going through something. If they start to make their hair to chemo and it’s devastating, don’t tell them, “at least you can go buy a wig!” She will still be bald, wig or not! And wigs on bald heads aren’t always comfy apparently. And..it’s not real hair! It doesn’t sit like real hair. If she thought it was minor to be bald, she’d have shaved her head once in a while. She will come to her own place of acceptance in her own time. Let her feel it all. She’s living it after all.

Let’s rather just sit with someone in their reality. Ask them how they feel about it. Follow their lead. If they feel sad that their uncle-the only family they ever had in the true sense of the word-who had some degenerative disease has died, mourn with them. Tell them you’re sorry for their loss, don’t reply with, “At least he’s out of his misery now.” Believe me, she does think that too. But also, he should have never been miserable in the first place. And she loved him. She will miss him. His laughter, his concern, his phone calls. No number of “at leasts” will hide the days of silence. The loneliness of having no loving family -worse yet if you, Miss At Least, do have family and love.

Let the sufferers find their own silver lining. Live our reality. I’ve seen that happening perfectly in my breast ‘waiting for an answer’ situation and I am so thankful! There’s no minimising or denying, there’s instead, mirroring exactly what I’m feeling. There’s concern, wondering how the system is so not patient-friendly. Checking in. Getting upset with me.

The people who live your reality are the ones who will truly celebrate with you when your fears prove unfounded because they lived the fear. You will both truly be relieved if it was yet again, ‘just’ a cancer scare. Or they will mourn with you deeply, if everything goes awry. I’ve ever appreciated the friend who complains in an awed tone that I find positives when really, my situation (AS, lungs etc) is bad! We need more people like that. An ‘at least’ doesn’t comfort. Seeing our reality is comforting. An ‘at least’ means you don’t try to imagine what it’s like. You deny it yet it is too terribly real. Telling someone to focus on the positives will never cure the lived, day and night, reality.

Enter our world. Just as we enter yours.

We will be happy for each other just as much as we sorrow for each- only if we truly sit in each others’ worlds.