The Arm

Trauma doctor said broken arm and bleeding (internally)

It’s been tough. Extreme pain. She fell off the trampoline. Where was I? Calming down her twin sister having a meltdown. I really felt upset with God that day. So much had gone wrong. I couldn’t walk up a very small hill without losing air. My SI joint pain was extreme. But I tried to stay ‘thankful.’

Then my daughter had a meltdown. Dad and oldest sister not here. I wanted to cry. I truly needed to be resting- not going out to strain my back with heavy children. But even then, I thanked God. I was so relieved that my offering her a swing in the sensory swing had calmed her down. Yes, I was hurting my back, pushing her in it. Yes, it was hard, getting her in it. But it was extremely rewarding to finally see her smiling. And to even hear her laughing! I felt so thankful and grateful and privileged…

Then I heard a scream and loud cries. The one who was meant to be watching the younger children had just left them. In an unsafe position. And my angel broke her arm. The one who was meant to watch them had not disappeared on any necessary business. And I have drummed into them that my middle two have no foresight etc, THEY need to watch each twin that I’m not watching.

But instead, they left the children in a vulnerable position. And my child jumped closer and closer to the edge- her eight year old brother not seeing the danger. And she jumped off the trampoline (not on purpose) and rolled onto her arm on the ground.

I couldn’t believe it. Why??? Have we not gone through enough? My cough isn’t even gone!! My lungs haven’t improved! My heart rate is above normal and has been for five weeks now! My elbow needs surgery! My children are not ok. And now this. My poor angel would suffer for who knows how many weeks- uncomfortable in a cast.

I wanted to sit down and cry. But I had to pick her up and carry her to the car. And carry her around the hospital. And watch her in agony. And hold her arm down in different positions as she cried from the pain.

I lost hope.

I don’t have the money to hire a second mother. I don’t have the space to put a second mother. But my children need one.

I feel sad and hopeless.

I don’t feel thankful, I feel and am over burdened. I am in need of help, not platitudes. I don’t need Bible verses, I need help. And I don’t know how to get it.

It’s been a sad week. But I will be thankful that I’m still alive. My poor child has been in pain and wanting mommy all the time. One afternoon meal time, my children were shocked that I had her. She was soft and I was far away in a different room. But I still heard her, “I want mommy.”

And I rushed to her, shocking my teens who had thought her voice had not carried to me.

She needs mommy.

I’m thankful I’m still alive to be mommy.