Will I Get Used to It?

Is it possible to ever get used to a world in which my daughter, R, will never ever answer a question? Never have a conversation with me? Never tell me something is sore, funny, yummy..? Is it possible that I will accept it in the next 20 years?

I don’t think so. Sylvester Stallone’s son is a grown adult over 30 years old and the son’s mom still hopes he will speak, converse. We can’t give up. I guess it’s human to hope. You forget all the other months and years of silence and hope today something will be different.

My angel…She loves sitting in her room arranging her toys- very specific ones- in different ways. She can spend hours alone in there. I go in…Sometimes she gently pushes me, asking me to leave her in peace. The other day she shut the door on her dad when he peeped in. Most of the time, she’s happy to see me. Still no, “Mommy!” but she doesn’t cry, doesn’t get angry. But also doesn’t let me engage in play with her or even next to her. If she’s playing with a set of blocks and I take my own set, she takes my set and adds them to hers. No conversation.

Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes I’ve grateful that she pulled me to her room to go watch her play. That satisfies me all day long! But sometimes, my heart breaks. Yesterday, I took some pictures in. Just simple body part pictures. She wouldn’t look at any of them. Definitely didn’t repeat any word I used. I then took her doll and asked, “This is..?” She blurted out, “Baby!” Then I pointed at her bunny and she said, “Doll!” I asked her to touch the doll’s hair and she did.

Then that was it. No more engaging. She was back firmly in her world. No talking about feet, toes, no matter what I did. She used to love touching my toes when I moved them, and once suddenly shouted, “ Toes!” when I wiggled them. But not this time. That was our ‘conversation’ the entire day.

So, knowing she watches video and repeats what she hears on video whereas she doesn’t often repeat much of what we say here at home, I just decided to teach her a different way. Can’t wallow in heartache all day, can I? I have a child’s brain to try teach! And her twin sister will benefit too, learning from a South African accent instead of only hearing and relating the American one she hears when watching toddler videos.

I did this for the children here at home. Minus the introduction, of course. And dear readers, my silent angel giggled and giggled and laughed and laughed when she watched it!!!🥹🥹🥹

I may not be able to reach her in a typical way, but I can reach her. It was made for them here at home. Just something random to help them learn. Very specific for our needs – building vocabulary, using sentences and teaching a lesson- no running in the house! I cut the video, it was bad. But my very talkative twin is fine. (So much for the orthopedic surgeon who said she must not run, not fall for the next two weeks to allow her arm to heal fully!)

This is a different glimpse of our homeschool life. Needs must…

PS There are some moments… On Friday evenings, we say the Lord’s Prayer when praying. Yesterday, she met saying, “ Our Father…” before the roaster began, and during. 🤣 “Our Father…”

And this is why we don’t give up. Connections are forming. It takes years- we’ve said the Lord’s Prayer every Friday since the teens were babies! And yesterday was the first time she showed us that she ‘hears’ it… And so it’s disheartening in the moment, when she doesn’t look or seem to see it hear. But I pick myself up and keep trying. Why I keep trying to form connections throughout the day. Firstly, why not? And secondly- because I hope springs eternal. The sound of her laughter makes up for the sound of my breaking heart.