Wins

Since Thursday, I’ve been consistently limping, walking off because of the stiffness in my pelvic bones. I was even stumbling because I struggled to always lift my feet high enough off the ground.

This video was yesterday, Saturday morning. I had never watched myself before. My husband did once complain that while he had a break on a work trip and the teens were at exams, he had a peak at our security cameras and he didn’t know where I was going, about to take a walk with the small four while clearly limping.

Since Thursday, I’ve slowed down. Pain extreme. Exhaustion bad. I didn’t even reach 9000 steps on Thursday yet my usual average is between 12000-14000. Yesterday was worse. Despite all the pain meds, I didn’t even get a minute during which I could say, “I’m pain free.” It was hell. The pain was consistently an 8 out of 10. You couldn’t ignore it.

Today, for three and a half hours, I had almost no pain. I could fully ignore it and only felt it if an inflamed area got bumped!! It was lovely! I was so scared that yesterday heralded days or weeks of no relief whatsoever.

That’s a win for me! I know the nights are bad, and the mornings too. But I’m hoping my day tomorrow will be like today, at the very least.

Second win.

I haven’t heard her calling me mommy in a year. She stopped even saying, “ Dinosaur” for her dad. But she is still saying words, naming the foods and beverages she wants! That’s so different. All other times, her words would disappear for months.

Also, if you listen carefully, she whispered, “Doll” twice! It’s not the first time she completed or added to something I’ve said. As she watched me pouring cereal into a bowl for her, I said to her, “I put it in!” And she added, “ Into the bowl!”

Other things have stayed the same but a bit better too! I noticed that a “blister” she’d had on her right hand was now looking more like an infection so I asked her dad to take her to the doctor yesterday. Honestly, even if I didn’t have AS, I wouldn’t want to take her. She experiences so much suffering! Things scare her, she wants to leave and not wait, she wants to pull me out the doctor’s rooms and doesn’t want to be examined. It’s traumatic for both of us-her being ‘tortured’ and my dealing with her very big emotions while wanting to cry along with her.

Her dad was also not feeling up to it because of her screams and cries and how helpless he feels. He said he’d take her only if or our eighteen year old son went alone.😅I chose my son, who was NOT enthralled with the idea.

She came home screaming.

But guess what, she didn’t scream going in. Didn’t scream or even want to leave while waiting to be seen, and except for when the doctor wanted to measure her height, she allowed him to do other checks!! The ONLY reason she came home screaming was because near the END of the appointment, she spotted a wooden piece of art that she wanted to take with her.

And while waiting for the appointment to start, she spotted her favourite calming object- a plant! Her dad asked, “What’s that?” And she actually answered!! “It’s a tree. It’s leaves.” And she tried to pull her brother’s hand to pick it up.😅Thankfully she didn’t complain when the answer was no.

All in all, it was the best doctor’s appointment she’s ever experienced. Her anxiety and anti psychotic meds are helping! (We still get angry cries over wanting things to happen that can’t ever happen.) I was right that she needs oral antibiotics, and her brother came back much happier than when he left. I mentioned the being right thing because I didn’t want to send my husband on a fool’s errand and have him return telling me I was being worried for nothing.

Maybe one day she will answer all questions and tell us her thoughts and not just blurt out random words like, “ Tiger!” out of the blue when she does speak. Maybe one day she will answer more questions than she can’t. Maybe one day I will know that she UNDERSTANDS me when I tell her I love her.

Maybe.❤️

PS. The doctor asked if she didn’t need Ritalin or something because of how hyper and all over she was. I am so vindicated! Not that my husband said I was wrong in thinking she probably also has ADHD, but it felt good for a professional to wonder if it would “not help calm her down.”😅 We have over a year till she’s even eligible and I don’t even know how we’d assess her for ADHD given it’s all about ability to focus on tasks and how quickly one loses focus and the weak points that show typical learning disorders found in ADHD. She does not stay still! At all! But, we will cross that bridge when we come to it!