The rheumatologist believes it’s high time I hang up my gloves and stop teaching.
The rheumatologist is VERY worried. I came this close to crying because she kept exclaiming and saying she’s so sorry and it just almost overwhelmed me. I had gotten up when she came in to call me, telling her, “ I’m surging!” when she asked how I am, but the long trip to her area, and a long wait meant that when I stood, my leg screamed out and I couldn’t stand properly, couldn’t walk properly.
“Oh!! What!? When did this start?? You’re not ok!”
I told her, “Honestly, I’m not ok at all. It’s been bad.”
I told her it’s been at least a month now. A month of horror. She didn’t even finish the examination because my legs wouldn’t move. She tried to bend my right leg this way and that way but could feel the joint resisting. My fingers, wrists, hands and extra kilogram all tell the story. A body in crisis. A body that can’t move without stiffness and pain.
She has doubled all my medication. Doesn’t know how I’m sleeping, I told her I’m NOT! Every type has been increased. From six of one type, to 12 a day. From two of the opioid, to four. And I must double my anti inflammatory for the next week and then tell her how I am. Only when I got home did I realise she still thought I’m on the vertigo inducing one. So I’ll try again very slowly and see how it goes this time. After the week of double the anti inflammatory, I will then start on a stronger dose of the anti inflammatory. I don’t know what the plan will be if I’m not any ‘better’ in a week. She also injected me with cortisone.
She discussed schools and homes with big yards close to her and to special schools. And she was shocked that I taught the teens. She thought I was homeschooling only the young four because of special needs.
So yep, she’s looking forward to them passing. So am I! Please let it be so!
She has begun the process for requesting more Cosentyx. She said she loved my motivation letter and that I’m not the norm. Most of her patients don’t fight with the medical aid company, they make her the face of their fight. So it felt good to not be alone.
I drove home past shops I wanted to get veggies from. I’m in too much pain. And then I got home. Went to collect a few items of laundry that I knew would need to be in front of the gas heater or iron as it’s too late in the day for them to dry, came into the house ready to collapse into bed.
But..my angel who refused to go for a walk with her siblings comes out with big brother and pulled me around. She wasn’t sure what she wanted at first. So she took me around the house a bit, then into the play area then finally decided she wanted me to watch her jumping on the trampoline. And like every loving mother everywhere, I stood for as long as I could, and I watched her, spoke to her, loved her. Smiled back at her. And walked away after long enough that she was ok with it. (See, when I had tried to escape before she got on, she kept pulling me back to her side.🥹❤️❤️ If that isn’t as loud as “Mommy!! You’re back!! I missed you!” I don’t know what else she’d need to do to show me. Not when she’s shown me in her own very clear way,
So, I’m home. Thankful for all the doubling of my four types of meds and hoping the injection also starts working. And then, we see if Cosentyx will stop this level of torture
And yes, she looked at my blood test results and was NOT happy at how the inflammation is. Are any of us?
As for the special school issue? I’ve tried and searched and desperately searched this week. She too only knows of two government schools and they’re both too far for me to drive to every day. (They’re in her area.)
But what about weekends anyway? It will still all be on me. The videos, the lack of rest, finding each of them activities, feeding, preparing food, handling the screams and the hair pulling and pushes. Trying to stop the nine year old from banging on cupboard doors when the twins are trying to sleep, sorting out her screaming brother.
I won’t hide this truth. I am a Christian. I believe God have life so only He should take it unless I’ve prayed and He has clearly said I will die soon. Only then would I believe voluntary euthanasia is justified.
I’m not at that point yet where I am sure He can’t change His mind and free me of my suffering. But I did wonder. “Was it sin when kings fell on their own swords rather than to be captured by the army? And if not, would it be sin if I were to fall on my own sword and end this suffering instead of being even worse than this? Would I miss out on a peaceful and God-filled eternity if I stopped living? If I stopped the unbearable suffering? Or would God raise me and tell me that He would have understood back in 2022 when I started begging to die, if I’d taken matter into my own hands, knowing how much worse I was when I finally breathed my last?
I don’t know. And so I have no choice but to live. But it stopped being a HAPPY life long ago. Just typing this has cause excruciating pain in fingers, elbows and wrists. When it’s all your bones crying, you end up saying,
I really, really want to die.
They said I should write a book 