Hello, my faithful Flydah. I’ve run out of steam. I can’t create joy out of trouble. By the time I have two out of six children in bed, I’m extremely tired and in pain. And I still contend with the middle two who might start screaming, necessitating my stopping typing to go find out why there’s a problem.
I have run out of steam. It’s actually not that easy to be bright and cheery when you’re in severe pain every day if your life. Imagine that!
It’s not possible to bask in the joys of motherhood when life, behaviors and reality show you that things are not improving in any sphere. How do you extol the blessings when you’ve just been pushed and pulled by one child, one hides urine in her wardrobe and another is screaming because she has been offended by something that is actually not offensive to us normal folk and your body and mind are weary from faking being ok all day.
I can’t enjoy homeschooling when I see how far behind some are. Not only because they aren’t progressing despite being in grades lower than they should be, but because assessments show they are lagging more and more behind the older they get. Ie, their development isn’t following a curve even if still below average curve. It’s a straight line of “Sane as it was three years and three years ago it was already bad performance for their age.”
I have run out of joy. I have run out of happiness. I can no longer create them. I can’t type what I’m not feeling. I wanted to encourage, but I am discouraged. And next year looms even scarier with even less “help” than I have NOW. And right now is not enough.
And so, I stopped my automatic payment for this blog. Next year March 25, it will cease to be. Flydah, my commenter and reader, knows where to find and often does find me there.. There where I find her too. And with her, I can be real about every single heartache.
I hope for a miracle. Maybe one day I’ll come back and will have found an affordable centre for all my children so that I focus on trying to take care of myself and the cooking etc only.
Until then, the burden weighs too heavily for a blog. Who wants to get a daily dose of a downhearted mother?
I’m waiting for the ashes to become beauty.
Till then…
I bid you farewell – for now.
They said I should write a book 
i will understand the break, and for sure sometimes its hard to give encouragement when you are not getting any and every day you feel like giving up. i will keep hoping and praying that you find all the money needed so the children can get better centres to take care of them.
Next year is scary for us seeing it from here and we dont even know and understand how its going to be, but we continue to hope and pray that the Lord will take us through it all.
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