What Will Your Wife Say?

This morning, someone sent me a voicemail passing condolences to me regarding an in law who passed away. Except I didn’t know the in law had died. They’d become an outlaw when they pointblank refused to care for their child and left them for others to feed and love.

Never even a visit to see the child, nor to have the child visit him.

So I contacted the relative and with a sense of irony to gushers where she stood, passed condolences on for the death of her husband. The relative quickly replied that they would pass the message on to their child who. unlike the relative and I, is truly grieving.

Children have an idealized version of their fathers. Especially little children. Moreso one who engaged with father only via telephone. He could be any kind of hero when he’s just talking and not reprimanding you or making false promises or not in your presence just sitting there while mom is mom and dad.

But I and the widow know better. So do other relatives and friends I told. Some people are ‘mourned’ with as much sorrow as if they were complete strangers, because of how they acted, or worse yet, there is a sense of freedom in being freed from shackles binding one to the now deceased spouse.

What will YOUR wife say to herself when random people think she’s grieving and treat her accordingly? Will she think, “Really!? He wasn’t a great husband, what is there to miss?” Or will she think, “My heart is so empty. What will I do when people move on and I’m still here grieving?”

When colleagues and ‘friends’ praise you, will she think, “Yeah, to YOU he was like that because he craved admiration, but to me who saw through him, who saw the lies he pretended to live when he spoke to you, he was as artificial and as loving as a plastic flower.”

Or will she think, “Yep, that’s him alright. I will miss all those qualities and the ones he had as a husband, a role he played only with me, his wife?”

God matters but many men (and women) don’t care about God, and God isn’t the One sending my relative messages. God isn’t the One asking my relative to pretend to feel feelings he never awoke in her. People are. And people are very easily deceived.

Are you a liar? Pretending to study God’s word when in reality you only study when you’re going to preach or teach? Or are you living in His Word? Would your wife say you were a godly husband? Or is she hoping you don’t die so she never has to say anything about you?

Are you really a family man as you pretend to be at work? Or are you fully invested in the interests of your wife and children in a way you can’t even fully portray at work?

Were you generous to strangers who would praise how giving you were, but withheld your love, attention, affection and heart and ears from her?

Or would your wife stand up front if asked to speak, and be lost for words because you were her heaven on earth and now she’s in her own version of hell?

What I know is that the same word came from the widow as came from me when I told a friend the husband had died.

“Numb.”

We aren’t cold hearted enough to not care. But we have only a shadow, an idea to miss. Someone others loved because he pretended to be loving, when in reality, he was a source of strain and pain to those who truly tried to love him..and win him to God.

What will your wife say to those who are close enough for her to be truly open with?

And if it’s justifiably negative, what are you going to do about it today?