A Very Sad Wednesday Afternoon

I had to sort out the girls’ fight. We’re back in the danger zone of our tween’s hormones and she’s becoming extremely volatile. We received no reply from the neuropsychologist after the paed referral so I’m going to ask the paed if I’m meant to follow up. (This is now Thursday here in brackets. I did phone the office but there was no reply.) They didn’t even grace us with a, “We have an 18 month wait” reply like with rheumatologists when you’ve never seen them before.

So I have to play referee even more. Hang around them even more which means I have to be there with them more. Extra physical strain on me. But my non-verbal angel decided to need EXTRA care today. So I’m TIRED and in physical and emotional pain, so I tried to medicate everyone and retreated to my room after I fed them all.

Someone very close to me who I had tried to trust that they have the best plans for our family turned out to be a cruel liar, and that shook me this past Sabbath. Literally. I even got scared I’d die. My chest was so sore. It was like my heart would explode. And when I got an alert about it on my Apple Watch, I wasn’t surprised. My heartbeat while RESTING climbed up to worrying levels for ten minutes. As if I was racing fast. Then it remained 20 beats per minute faster than normal for maybe two days. Then ten beats faster than my norm. I can see how people die from broken hearts.

So, I had this broken heart and shock I’ve been nursing for some days now. I had been strong. No tears. Then boom, the pain and betrayal overwhelmed me. I retreated to my room to try get a breath, some silence. The children were fed, Naynay was reading a book, the others playing.

I sat down, leaned back to be as flat as possible on the bed, started talking to God asking how someone could be so callous and then the door opened. A VERY cheerful five year old who doesn’t talk came in. I painted a smile on my face. She looked around and left. I took my phone and was about to type about how heavy my heart was, and then the twin came in. Very, VERY happy twin, talking nineteen to the dozen about the book she was reading to her older brother, how it has many words, how she likes reading to her friends even through there lots of words in the book.. On and on she prattled while my heart sank. Not only did she not go back to the front like she usually does at this time of the evening, she even jumped onto the bed and sat on me. “Ok, now is NOT the time to think deeply. To let it all out, then.”

Then her older sister walked in looking angry and miserable. I wanted to cry now. I was FEELING miserable and instead of being able to be alone to express the heartsore feelings, I had to pretend even LONGER! My girl then not only needed me to pretend, but she needed me to absorb HER heartache.

Adoptee woes. I’ve seen these written. But I wasn’t expecting them at age 10. It was hard. My poor girl cried as she (not for the first time) stated that she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday because it reminds her that she wasn’t with us when she was born.

You can’t fix that can you?😭

She said a LOT. I listened, hugged, dispensed a LOT of tissues, told her her feelings are valid, other adoptees have said the same thing – birthdays are difficult. One said that it’s because the day of her birthday is not something she experienced together with her mother, so it was not nice.

Like others do, I told her -like I did last time- that we could then celebrate her presence in our family on the anniversary of the day she entered our family. Then I asked, “So do you want us to act like your actual birthday just a normal day then?” Of course not, this is another issue the adults had. They do not want to celebrate. But if that desire is honoured, they feel sad that nobody is saying ‘happy birthday!’ Yep, it’s complex and they too don’t know what to say or do despite therapy. How much more a sad crying girl and a brokenhearted mother?

“I wish I hadn’t been born! I wish I’d been from YOU..” I seconded the second one. Told her that if she’d not been born, we’d have missed all her creativity and snuggles.

Conclusion? I told her I’d allow her to cry anytime she wanted, I don’t expect her to fake being happy like she says she does. And I’d also say or do SOMETHING on her birthday.

By this point, my body was screaming, and so I rubbed my painful calf, rubbed my terribly sore ribs and that made her burst into a fresh bout of tears. “..and why are you in PAIN!?”

Another one I can’t solve!

It didn’t end there.

Guys, teaching an AuDHDer with PDA is an exercise in patience. They have their own timeline, they ADD extra tasks they think should be done during the lesson, they dawdle, they get distracted. “Yes, I’ll trace the capital R. Did you know that I like lions? Look at my bag! Look inside!”

It takes so much longer to teach a child with such severe symptoms. And then she burst into tears too. That was this morning.

“I’m sad!” She told me. I didn’t know where that came from. Was her hayfever really bothering her? I asked why she was sad. She said she was sad because my back and my legs are in pain and it makes her sad.

I hadn’t even indicated any pain! I was just teaching! Though I do rest on the bed when they’re doing independent tasks, I don’t tell them why I’m lying down. “What can’t you be better!?” And I hadn’t even lain down yet. But she cried and cried. I couldn’t even promise her I’ll be fine. We know I won’t be. We know it’s incurable and gets worse.

Another one I can’t fix!

I’ve felt so helpless this week. I can’t fix the person who is so broken that they go and destroy other people’s souls too, destroy me and take money meant for my children and give it to a girlfriend.

I can’t fix my body.

And I can’t fix my children’s hearts.

So, it was a bad Wednesday AND a sad Thursday.

But. I will rise. I haven’t had that teary moment again. Granted, it’s only a day I’ve been strong in my God. Last time this happened, I wanted to die. I pictured am driving at high speed and smashing into a pillar that holds the bridge or overpass to. But then I wondered if I’d have the courage to continue with the speed or be so scared at the last minute that I’d end up only permanently maiming myself.

The last time I found out I was the only building this home while the other was building another one’s ego, I thought God had forsaken me, that I had sinned a terrible sin that I couldn’t recall and so couldn’t repent from. I had prayed every day, every chore, lovingly cooking and ironing, serving, overlooking how it was mostly me doing the parenting. And instead of growth, there was backsliding.

This time, it’s different. My worth isn’t found in how truthful, faithful and faith-filled another human is. I’ve read God’s word enough to know that I’ve served Him with all my heart and that I deserve honesty and integrity just like I give it despite.

No tears yet. Leopards truly don’t change their spots. Not when they are happy being spotty.

The rest of us Christians? We shall walk the narrow way, ask Christ to make us spotless and pure.

And we shall rise.

I came across this now on YouTube. I was looking for a song I like but it popped up.

It IS indeed painful to ignore a person right in your face who talks to your children but doesn’t talk to you. Someone who tells you YOU should have stopped being hurt when they hurt you and so there’s something wrong with YOU for not healing from a wound they never apologised for causing, for being upset that you have a heart they broke and didn’t do anything to fix.

This video HERE… Why didn’t we have this information when we were still young? I’d have known what red flags to keep an eye out for, I’ve only learnt this in the past year!

1. I’ve even asked, “Why can’t you just listen without turning it to YOU?” Eg. Earlier this year, “My neck is really getting sore at night, it’s harder to sleep. I need a flatter pillow.” Expectation- “AS is cruel,” or “Shame man, I hope we find one. “Reality? “I also need a more comfortable pillow. I’m a CIO. CIOs deserve to sleep comfortably.”
2. Apology? “Well, I’m sorry he feels hurt but seriously, why didn’t he hear it!?”
3. Dim your light and compete? My first ever blog had so many people thankful for it, or just interested in my culture, autism moms grateful. Even this very week, he said it was “bad.” When I got praise for making wonderful bibs and burpers which I was selling, he told me to stop selling because it makes him look like he’s not a good enough provider. Any positive comment from YouTube watcher? Disinterest. But I must read 47 pages of his work assessing him.
4. Subtle control that shuts you up? Sarcastic put downs that hurt and then when you state it hurts, they say they didn’t mean it, I’m just too sensitive…I then asked him to pray before speaking. Enforcing the boundary of politeness and kindness. Nope. Then even when you need a quick answer, the sarcasm, “Well, you said I must pray before I answer. So I’m praying!” Punishment.
5. This one hurts. I literally break my body for our family. I work hard every single day. I teach and prepare, choose curricula, medicate and soothe. But that is never seen, never appreciated. The same man who preached that men must say something positive and affirming to their wives every single day hasn’t said anything affirming to me in ages. He told his woman in Joburg that he appreciated the photos she sent of herself though. This is why he never spoke his proposal. He’d need to ask me for permission to marry me. But he’s too superior. So he wrote it down and sat there… No need to look into my eyes and tell me he loves me. Just write it down.
6. Me expressing how I feel unseen. Begging for help and appreciation because I feel alone. This year, he handed me a package and said I could open it. It was gifts from females at his workplace thanking him for going the extra mile for them, for checking that they were ok. THAT is the strongest example of using my vulnerability to hurt me. “See? I’m seen and you’re not. I get gifts while I breadcrumb you.” It REALLY hurt and I don’t know what else it was except a method to hurt me. NO loving spouse will hand a gift they know is for them from someone from the opposite gender and tell them, “Here’s something for you.” And it’s actually not. I bet he’s never done that to the woman he’s given thousands of rands to. I think that’s when the shell around my heart grew stronger. You don’t love someone you purposely hurt. I am not loved. And though it hurts so much, I have to accept it to survive.
7. Not choosing growth. Instead, descending, regressing. Not willing to humbly reach a higher state. Not willing to admit being wrong. Instead I’d get, “ Well, YOU were wrong the other day too. I don’t remember but you also aren’t perfect.” Or, classic one I tell. We have two supermarkets called Shoprite and Checkers. They are both owned by Shoprite but are two separate shops. Our nearest mall had a Checkers for years, then they started renovating. As they rebuilt, they added a Shoprite sign on the outside of be building and I commented, “So there will be Shoprite here AND Checkers!? Unusual!” The dry sarcastic, “ You DO know Shoprite owns Checkers, right? It’s just there because they own it. I replied, “ I KNOW Shoprite runs them both, no way a mall would have the supermarket sign for it. They will open up a Shoprite.” He told me, “Remember, I work in retail. There’s no way they’d put both stores in one mall.” And I thought, “I may not work in retail. But I have common sense. I’ll wait till the mall is done and then take a photo and PROVE both shops are there.” And of course, I was right. But unlike other times where I kept quiet because it’s not like he’d ever apologise for talking to me like I’m an imbecile, I took the photos and sent a message telling him how we lay men can also reason.

She starts setting boundaries, he says she’s changing. I went to a relative’s funeral where no relative greeted me except for one. I went to my mother’s funeral where again, it was only the one, and my cousin who I had asked to preach.

Now, the person who cursed my children is dead and he says I’m not Christian for wanting to expose myself to pain like that. I spoke to my aunt the day I was burying my mother, she never replied, why would I go where I’m not NEEDED? But that boundary has resulted in me being called bitter and unchristian. A man who has a secret relationship with a woman while married, gives her money, admires her photos, looks at her work info that should be confidential – how much she paid people as incentives!!-is NOT qualified to decide what’s Christian or not. He himself doesn’t know, going to church while having this extramarital relationship.

All these and MANY more, helped shield me. Maybe one day I’ll cry. It hasn’t happened yet and I hope I never DO cry over a man who proposed to me but never wanted to grow as a husband.