When I got married, I meant every single word I said of my vows. All of them. Including the portion, “and so I follow you AS you follow GOD, that our home may be a praise to Him.”
This was not a match made in heaven. Not for me. I had already forgiven and reconciled twice due to his being unfaithful. I believed that forgiveness HAD to mean reconciliation. I didn’t even think that if adultery was a death sentence for the adulterer then clearly forgiveness was not a reunion of the betrayer and the betrayed. It meant not harboring any evil feelings. I was stupid, young and still very new to true Christianity. I felt that I too was imperfect so I should give grace. And after all, he wasn’t insulting me like my mom did, so he must have meant it when he said he loved me. Words are nothing. A man who doesn’t care that he has hurt you does not love you.
There were other warning signs which I’ve mentioned in previous posts. And others like giving his hoodies, sweatbands to any and all girls like I don’t exist. I should have seen that as a big warning especially after I told him it hurt me and he didn’t care. And then a second warning came in the shape of our head elder’s wife who told me she’d never have her husband, if he was a boyfriend, give his clothes to other girls. And he still didn’t care. I didn’t matter.
I thought anyone who would proper marriage planned to be a loving husband. I spend decades silently praying when the sarcastic put downs came, the I’m more knowledgeable than you comments that were actually false. I did try ask why I was being spoken to like I’m an idiot.
But let’s fast forward. Below are our church rules.
My husband was present at the marriage of a sibling who violated point number five. He was present while secretly back with his affair partner. Nobody in that family of SDA is SDA. And yes, secretly BACK WITH HER. The first time, I think I kept it secret I don’t recall. But I did then tell the elders and told them that I and prayed for him and it was now their turn to take over his salvation as my prayers and pleas meant nothing.
They knew everything. That I had found out about her, and that he’d claimed he’d leave her, then he went back to her. Read point number 5. Even without speaking to him, does that sound like someone who is repentant?
Did they ever ever get him to confess, repent and admit he had sinned against God? Did he ever take accountability and promise to use the future to sit at God’s feet and learn from him?
As for bringing the church into disrepute. The woman who organised flights must have known he was being unfaithful with her. He had the brazen guts to ask her often to seat his affair partner next to him. So, that’s public member one. Then the affair partner who wasn’t SDA was the other one who was now learning that Adventists don’t keep their vows. And then the third member of the public was her enraged husband who phoned him in extreme anger telling him he’s a fake Christian, asking him if this (cheating) was what his “church teaches.”
Not a single one spoke on this. This was the worst part for me. My husband misrepresented me and all the faithful SDA in the world by what he did. We do NOT teach infidelity. We CAN be faithful. Even in the week after the first time that I found out, when some guy flirted with me at Takealot, my immediate thought was, “Really? I’m married, dude!” But then I remembered that marriage doesn’t mean anything to some people. But nobody in leadership mentioned this aspect of making us look like loose immoral churchgoers.
And nobody mentioned how much worse it was given he was a preacher man with a very large sphere of influence. Therefore, he needed to have been MORE above reproach than anyone else in the world.
And nobody cared that it showed how far away he was from God while pretending he was his spokesperson. A sibling of mine said, “Yet he acted like he was God’s brother!?”
There was no attempt at all to ask ME if he was repentant. And no he wasn’t. He said it’s because I don’t know business so he could speak to her about business. Yeah, and all his male business friends?? He said it was because when he would phone randomly during the day, I’d have the gall to be teaching out children instead of being in the phone to answer whenever HE was free. He said it was because when he phoned, we got interrupted by a crying baby. It was all my fault. How dare I be a mother? Why was I working and teaching instead of keeping my phone on so that any time, he can reach me like I’m his servant?
That is not a repentant sinner at all. He doesn’t even see he’s a sinner. But they never cared to ask. One elder boldly told me in the worst period of my life that “I still admire him.” You can’t get true discernment from an elder that admires a sinner. Any sign of repentance they sought from him was fake, and they accepted it because they wanted it all hushed up. I was even told not to tell anyone.
My church after this, became a place of pain. No caring about our reputation as a church. No caring that he led a woman into sin. No caring that he was a leader who actually should be led and taught. No attempts to ask me for signs of repentance. Instead of protecting God’s reputation, it was all about damage control and so a measly three month “don’t teach” ban was enforced. Yeah, that will really get someone to see how they disappointed God.💔😒And it will really show them how they lied and broke their wife.
And so here we are again. Because he was unrepentant then, he’s now done it for three years and counting. My legal advisor asked me if I’m leaving. Of course I want to. Who wants to stay with an unrepentant narcissist? But, I’ve been a godly wife and done nothing that brought money IN to my own bank. I get a R3500 personal allowance and then R5000 to spend on the children and me- our clothing, therapy resources, toys, books etc. But hey, he has a statement at least from June for her monthly rent of R19 500 and an invoice for September that he paid for the rent. And bought furniture costing thousands.
Worst of all? He helped plan her divorce requirements.
This is just a portion. The red is his contribution after she asked him what he thinks.
Guys, I am heartbroken. I feel as if I gave birth to a monster. He claims he reconnected with her in 2022. This attachment was in 2023. Did he precipitate her breaking up her family? Why was he helping her make her family decisions? How dare he involve himself in the break up of another family? How evil do you have to be to so calmly decide how another family should SPLIT itself? Besides the money meant for my children and me legally ( we are married in community of property and all large amounts of money are meant to be agreed by both spouses before they are given away!) and morally, I cannot get over that a whole church elder agreed to help plan how a family would break up. This fills me with great shame. You have to be soulless to do this.
And so my readers, this is how my church let me and my God down. They let a man who didn’t care about God preach about Him after a mere three month holiday. They acted like he’s done nothing when he had done everything the devil loves.
So yes, the legal advisor asked me what my plans are. I told her that my fears are for our future as his ex wife and children. I am disabled so cannot suddenly get a job. And this disease is progressive. So even if I wanted to, I’m only going to get worse and this is already bad as it is. I also read that the ex only gets the pension interest amount up to the date they divorce. Guys, SA pension is NOTHING. Our elderly folk who don’t have help are starving. How would I with my gluten free needs survive on a pension? Oh, I mention that because when the spouse retires, the court can even decide for the spouse not to pay spousal maintenance anymore! No way my forever dependent children and I would survive.
So she asked for salary, liabilities, how much he’s been giving away to anyone, medical bills…
And the man has refused.
Says a lot.
I always did say I was being financially abused. But now, the stealing from our family is a BIG problem and issue. How much has gone to floozies? There’s only that reason why he’d not want to send the documents. Instead telling me I must analyse my costs. They didn’t ask for that! The email response was so bad that when I showed it to my advisor, she immediately said she’s in disbelief at how narcissistic he is.
There we go. My friend and I said it. Nobody else had. But just one email exchange showed his true dark character.
My church decided to close their eyes. And it’s not just my local church, it’s every church I know of. We have rules but we don’t follow them. And thereby, we enable the men to continue and the women to keep hurting.
But I know God will vindicate me. He already has shown me evidence of His presence by answering the second most painful prayer (besides, “Is my loving husband going to die?) a wife would ever pray. How many pray for a month for EVIDENCE that they are living with a hypocrite who can’t keep his vows when they’ve kept theirs through hell and high water? 🥹💔
They said I should write a book 