Calfgate

No improvement. Still pain and now I carry the fears of the nurse (When you remove the tape, put Bactroban on), of those who love me-the friends who worry about infection, Amarissa who is scared I’ll end up with a huge infection like the one she had in her leg, and the fear I carry after my blood test results told me my silly immune system is currently at war with the very blood cells that fight .. infection. Turns out my neutrophils are too low.

Now THAT changes everything. I was just tired of having a dressing and tape and dressing for so long. When will my leg heal?? It was already slower than they’d ever seen.

Now I don’t even know how I’ll know if I’m fighting an infection. It’s already swollen, it’s already /still sore. I am tired. Just tired. Our girl who doesn’t speak has become harder for all of us to handle, and more violent in new ways. School is sometimes impossible, I don’t know how to fix her. I’m sure she wishes she too could be fixed so she is happier, calmer. But we don’t know how. My body is dying. It’s like the devil is piling on a whole lot of pain all at once to make me break. Or die so there’s no pure Christian influence left to raise my children.

The one positive about calf gate itself, is that I have others as worried as I am. My daughter, my sisters, we will worry together. 🤷🏽‍♀️