I Understand!

(My first daughter said she doesn’t know if her siblings are a good advert for becoming a parent. And it wasn’t even 11am yet. Boy do I understand!)

I wish I could also pace around unhappily like my non-speaker can. I’ve been in an IBS flare for way too long. Belly is aching and bloated and I want to cry. She is constipated like her mommy too and is highly emotionally labile. I feel you, girlie. It is horrible. And we don’t know if that’s the only cause of her dysregulation. So my poor girl moans around unhappily and seeks for what she cannot find anywhere we open cupboards or fridges or drawers at her command.

I took her very chewed up chew away and went to fetch another for her and she shouted…

“WHITE!” Her speech is random, never consistent. Every positive comes with the knowledge that it won’t stay around. Like the notifying when she needs a diaper change. It was just once and that was it. Like everything else I’ve ever shared. It comes out so we know what she knows. Will she ever be able to say that she’s in pain? Will she be able to tell us why she can’t sit still and is grunting and moaning, agitated and dysregulated?

Like every day with chronic illness and special needs, it’s a hard day.

And there’s no painful cruelty like the cruelty that comes from someone who pretended to love you and said they did. I always knew my mother didn’t love me so when she told people I’m useless, I’m a waste, it didn’t hurt. It was befuddling that she’d be that bothered by me when I was the only one buying her food and necessities… But when a man who asked you to marry him acts like you’re invisible when you’ve been everything, it’s a whole new ballgame. And it’s the constant, “Look at how much I hate you” that eats at your soul.

A man who constantly tells children he loves them, cuddles them when he hasn’t told you the same for years and is only becoming more and more proud of his giving time and money to some random, is purely an abusive man. There’s nothing of the Christ he preached and pretended he loved.

I hate hypocrisy.

I hate lies.

I need to get free. Lord, send a miracle to set me FREE! Constant emotional, psychological, financial abuse will wear the strongest woman down. And I am not even close to being strong. I have special needs battles and body battles. I have too many wars to fight all day long – my now 11 year old is becoming harder to handle -to strengthen myself against to also steel myself for the cruelty of someone who made vows they never meant.

I don’t know what I would have done if my friend, A, didn’t exist. Platitudes don’t cut it. Memes wishing me a happy new year when there’s nothing that will change the situation you know of, are worse than useless. They are toxic. And nowhere is safe. You go to narcissistic abuse pages but everyone..gets a job and divorces. Where are the women who are too sick or disabled to get a job?? Or the ones have disabled children and no resources that will keep the children safe for them so it HAS to be them at home with their children? Where are broken women who realise the devil is in the household but cannot escape him?

I need them as much as I need my friend who gets it.

Please Lord, save me.