The First Time

I lived my life as a girlfriend, THANKFUL for the narcissistic love bombing. It felt like true love, not an attempt to trap me. I didn’t even know love bombing existed when I was 18! I even mentioned it in my vows. “Why do I love you? It must be because of the ways you show me that I matter so much that you put my needs above yours. It must be the way you move so that you sit next to an open window in the cold wind, so that I am shielded from it… It must be because you care about my wants as if they are your very own.”

Little did I know that as soon as the wedding was done, that would end. By the time we got back to the UK less than a month after those vows, back to the UK where we’d BOTH worked hard and saved rent and flat deposit, the real woman he was married to made her mark. She’d stolen our money.

And he did nothing.

Suddenly, I wasn’t even a factor in his life. His mommy, living with her married lover, was the real wife. (See my channel on maternal son enmeshment.)

And I kept quiet. I had nobody to tell. My high school friends said I was too religious. My church friends weren’t close to me. I had no loving family to talk to. And I had not yet met the other sister in law again after the wedding (that actually never happened. If you watch my videos I mention how I was told I’d be a bridesmaid, had my hair undone by the mommy even though the bride -and the other bridesmaids-said my style was perfect for the wedding and I had said to leave my hair alone. The wedding didn’t happen because the families had done everything as it should be done but then last minute, bride’s family said she’s not allowed to marry so she ran away to go to the country the mommy and son lives in. But then her family arrived on the day of the wedding and because she wasn’t yet 21 which was the legal marrying age in her country, it was a fake wedding and even before the reception, her family put her in the car and took her back to her country.)

Trapped by a Christian marriage that only allows adultery as a reason for divorce, to a non Christlike husband.

I kept quiet over the years for a very long time. Not because I accepted being treated like I’m nothing, but because I was praying and hoping. After all, if you TEACH the truth surely you want to live it? He would tell men at family camps to say something complimentary to their wives every day while never doing it even weekly for me. Surely we just needed time to grow.

Instead, I finally got a reason but no way out. Infidelity. Still I kept quiet.

Until probably two years ago. All these years since 1999, I’d kept quiet when I was spoken to like I am an idiot. I never said, “Do you see you were wrong?” But that silence didn’t lead to anything but my erasure in the family as a mother and intelligent human. So I spoke.

Note in the call above in the photo for help they mention Shoprite and Checkers? These are two well known supermarkets. The company brand Shoprite owns both supermarkets. One day, as we drove past Bayside Mall during renovations, there was a sign on the outside of the building. Besides the usual shop names – Checkers, Markham etc, they had also put up a Shoprite board. I commented, “Oh! There’s going to be a Shoprite and Checkers here now!” He replied, “You do know that Shoprite owns Checkers and Shoprite!?”

I replied, “Yea. I know that. But they aren’t going to advertise the parent company on the mall! They are going to add the shop!”

Him, “I work in retail. I know what I’m talking about.”

And that day, I decided I was done being quiet. My quiet never led to humility and asking for forgiveness. It never led to confession for being wrong. So why!? Why demean myself, dim my intelligence, make myself seem stupid or accepting of the psychological abuse? No reason!

I waited. I bided my time. I knew I’d eventually get the proof, seeing as, as ever, my word was meaningless to him. Finally, the renovation of the Mall was complete. I went to Markham to collect a parcel and went down one corner then to another part of the mall. I took photos. Shoprite supermarket and Checkers supermarket.

I sent the photos together with the words, “I may not work in retail, but we laypeople have sense too. Please don’t treat me like I’m stupid ever again.”

The underwhelming reply

“Ok”

No matter how conciliatory you are, as soon as you stand up for yourself, narcissistic men lose their minds. You’re just a trophy. You’re not meant to think independently! You’re not ever meant to make them realise they are not perfect! In their minds, they are always right and your job is to keep showing them they are always right.

And so, he was right in being unfaithful over two periods in 2016 and is right to still be in a relationship with the same woman since 2022. Perfect. Even in sin. Perfect even when God frowns. And his fellow misogynistic church leaders think exactly the same way. Women are not allowed to think for themselves and be independent minded. All men are perfect. Only women do wrong.

The first time I spoke up, showed me the lack of character. No apology. No humility. No recognition of innate intellect and common sense. And I’m tired of playing the part of a silent cipher. But I’m trapped. You can’t don’t a single income up when you have university fees. One is R78 200 and the other is close to that.😩 Not sure if that means I will have to live with the worst IBS-C flare of my life until I am free. It’s bad. Really bad and as I said in another post, not going away! And what triggers flares? Stress.

Now to figure out what we can give to the victims of the fire. My children were shocked by its spread. It was small when they passed it in one direction. When they were returning home, it had spread dramatically, even jumping over the road to homes on the other side. Dunoon is a very low income township- many shacks were burning badly. Helicopters had to be called in. So to hear that they saw a weeping woman, crossing the street with her only salvageable possessions in a tiny pink suitcase broke my heart just like it broke Amarissa’s. Does she even have a job? Was she still job hunting like many are?? Did she get her documents? How will they rebuild?

May none of my pain ever make me blind to the plight of others. May my children see action where possible so they never lose the ability to empathise with those who are weeping. May they have characters from Christ.