Mother of Six

I survived reflux and baby colic by telling myself, “Soon they won’t be babies. They’ll take care of themselves. They won’t need me. I’ll be able to get chunks of time to myself.” I’d been spoilt after all. As I keep reminding you, by age six and seven, my oldest two were asking to watch sermons (aimed at adults!)! And they did watch. Sometimes watching two, and the sermons were over an hour long each. So I would cook, clean, not even plan any lessons because they just moved forward each day and they didn’t need extra help, read my Bible, minister to depressed people without interruption. If they weren’t watching, they were playing peacefully together.

I had breathing space and I appreciated it a lot. I was very thankful that I’d come out of the sleepless and rest-fog of their baby and toddler years.

You can’t rest or relax with ADHD. Even if they are playing happily alone, they are probably being destructive or dangerous. They need someone watching them all the time. We are in a terrible heatwave and there’s a fan in the hot garage where there’s also a play room. My 11 year old – it’s always HER- damaged that by putting ribbon in the fan while it was blowing. Now it’s all coiled up around the turning mechanism.

I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner because of her. Do you know how expensive they are!? All because she had let pool water into the garage and thought she could vacuum the water up. The vacuum was NOT one of those fancy wet/dry vacuums. She didn’t tell anyone. She never does. Either vi or I find it and I immediately know who the culprit was, and when I ask her why she did something, she asks, “How do you know it was me?”

Microwave I was using to heat my heat packs for my bone pain? Dead. She killed it. Wardrobe shelf in her room? Broken. She smashed it in anger.

School time? My six year old twins are both needy in different ways. Remember, I’m not meant to be teaching. I’m meant to be resting my body. But our talkative twin wants to do more school lessons than she needs. That is the down side of being gifted. They want more. They crave more! And then gifted and autistic means you just know that what you want, is what others also want for you.🫣

Her non talking twin will pull me when I’m teaching. And if I try refuse, crying ensues and the class is still disrupted whether I leave or stay. It’s bad. As I told a friend who asked how I am today, I wish they made daycare centres for intellectually challenged children where she could go and be watched and kept safe but not forced to sit in a chair and learn like all the other places want. But if other parents can’t find such a place, and I’ve never come across one except one that very quickly shut another mother down when another mother…Ok, let’s try that one again.

A mother in one of the groups, asked where her child could go. She was virtually describing my non speaker so I kept an eye on the answers. One place needs them to be potty trained. One place is one I had seen, a place a friend called Mercy had looked at and suggested, but their staff member very quickly stated they only take care of cerebral palsy children, not autistics who can move around and need one on one care.

I am willing to send her aide with her to a centre and I just suffer teaching the others till the government lets them in, which can take more than four years!! 🥹. I have no option. He has two daughters so maybe he’d be willing to change the diaper? Maybe? We had males changing diapers in a centre I worked at for disabled adults in the UK. But until I find a centre, I can’t even ask anyway.

Then I have my oldest two. My son was meant to put food in the fridge that I’d killed myself cooking yesterday. I chopped even when my hands got sore. Chopping baby tomatoes in half, chopping yellow and red pepper, and a block of firm tofu. Imagine being in pain chopping such small things! Mt feet were so sore at night. I woke up today with bones screaming. Even in my teens, chopping butternut was beyond me, but this..? It truly is a progressive disease. To see all that effort and food go to waste was awful.

We’ve had a heatwave. And even if we hadn’t, we always put the food in the fridge and I have always taught that. Alas, the food was NOT put in the fridge by the one on kitchen duty and it is off. All the tofu! And it had looked and tasted so good! It was a scramble with spinach, red and green tomatoes, yellow and red pepper and I’d mixed cumin, coriander, paprika to a bit of water and seasoned it with that, with a sprinkling of garlic powder -and obviously, salt. All gone to waste. It had been enough for two meals! And as I said, my six year old doesn’t care about mommy cooking, mommy must teach as soon as the six year old is ready. I fought for that cooking.😆(To go with sweet potato, cucumber salad, glazed carrots.)

But that’s not all! I then have my 19 year old in a different province who has a pest after her. And it’s the security guard working in the complex she lives in! In the morning no yesterday, she told me that he had told her to go talk to him in the security hut after classes. I told her I didn’t trust him and he sounded like he’s trying to hit on her. She said no way, he’s “normal.” He’s been there since her brother was there and now is not there anymore. Even worse. He’s watched long enough to know she’s alone. I told her men don’t care what age they are. She brushed me off.

Then afternoon came and she told me I had been right. He was definitely acting like a creep, despite his old age. She even told him her unit (house) number because he was so persistent! She recorded him. And later that same day (yesterday, when I started typing this) he dialed through to the unit on her intercom. He said he had tried to call using his personal phone but it didn’t go through so was using the one owned by the Complex. He asked her which mobile network she’s on. She then pretended she couldn’t hear him till he ended the call.

Very, very bad. I am terrified for her. But her dad is relaxed. He thinks that as long as he’s moved to another location the risk is gone. But he will always know which house she lives in and that she’s alone. I remember some pastor in that same province whose 21 year old daughter was found deceased in her gated complex flat. I am not happy about how blasè she and her father are. We need to be vigilant.

I have cut my post short. My sick girl is just screaming too much and my leg pain is extreme. I can’t think and I think that pretty much sums up this kind of special needs parenting. So many needy children day and night means very little sleep, and very little time to think. I cried yesterday over how I can’t even utter prayer without being interrupted. How do you fuel up when the fuel pump gets stopped before you’re done pouring fuel into your tank?

I can’t even live in hope anymore. It isn’t getting better and I’ve seen enough adult autistics with intellectual challenges to know it most likely will NOT get better.

And so, I leave you with a small positive.

We’re done – with Maths K! We had a ‘final exam’ for our Kindergarten Maths today. And despite all challenges…

Like a twin who found crisps meant for everyone for Sabbath and crunched loudly,

and despite being crawled on,

Our girl got 100%. She finished a whole year’s Maths syllabus in six months. Which she said was too long! And we are in her final English and Literature chapter. They’re still doing sight word revision but she already knows them and needs no revision. And she will learn more about antonyms-our current lesson-in upcoming years too. Mind you, I don’t recall ever learning antonyms when I was six. But then, I wasn’t American when I was six.😆But I do assume they will review them as she gets older.

Another positive is that my 11 year old thanked me for keeping the notes and letters they write or make for me. She told me that her father only kept one thing, something her little sister made. I keep them because each one encourages me. In school, we were told to make things for Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day. As a homeschool teacher, I don’t even mention those days, so these are purely from the heart. To know that curse is done away with, means a lot. My mother was not only distant but cold that the only notes I wrote were to ask for necessities, as I recently shared. For them to be able to tell me they love me is amazing. I marvelled yesterday how as they walked out the door, Amarissa casually yelled, “Bye Mom, I love you!” I couldn’t believe I could have a child who feels love for me and wants me to know it. It’s always beenI wanted to have a Cosby Show type family. Where feelings weren’t taboo, and love was the ruling principle. I have achieved my part. And THAT, is encouraging.

It’s 16:59 on a Friday. I’ve just finished making up a new batch of scrambled tofu with baby tomatoes and spinach and peppers. I’ve made sure I put it in the fridge myself!

Shabbat shalom, no matter what that will look like. Even in the hurricane, may we feel seen and strengthened enough to try survive yet another day. Many others have fainted along the way and chosen to end the suffering while bearing less. So I mean that with all my heart. May we find the courage to choose life, for another day.