Have You Seen Her?

(Falling asleep while typing. Definitely no capacity to read through this and correct any grammatical errors.)

Have you seen her? Living for God and God alone? Forcing herself to give more than she should? Lying down on her side because her body hurts, psyching herself up to go and prepare the next day’s lessons for her children? Children she didn’t adopt nor make on her own? Have you seen her?

Have you seen her as she silently pleads for the ability to fake a smile she does not feel? When her heart clenches when her daughter asks, “What’s wrong? And she doesn’t want to tell her child that her mind and body are sore and fractured and her heart aching because of all the challenges each child faces? When she wishes she could run away and rest but she can’t because if she did, the children would either not receive all their medication, or there would be overdoses? These have happened before even when she hadn’t run away.

Have you seen her rushing from one doctor to another? Did you see her capturing fleeting smiles on the face of her suffering daughter? Did you see her? Did you see her want to weep but weeping won’t help because tomorrow morning she will again wake up after two hours of sleep to parent again? Have you seen her so tired that she falls asleep and walks into her daughter? Have you seen her working and sleeping, walking and sleeping?

Have you seen her worrying about how she will survive her six year old? Were you there today when the paediatrician she took her daughter too was shocked and horrified by how her little girl is “so strong!?” Did you see her heart sink as she received affirmation that she truly does have a lot to fear for her own future safety and that her other children?

Have you seen her feeling guilty as if she’s the one who caused her child to be autistic and violent? When she physically shows her aggression or frustration and aims for another human? Have you seen how she wishes she could protect everybody from her own child?

Did you see her as she looked at the abdominal x-ray taken at her child’s second visit to the Trauma unit this past weekend? Have you seen how she is living on a wing and a prayer as it is, and now she feels like she’s been forsaken and tested beyond what she can endure? Have you seen her wishing for the peace of the grave? Where her bones, ligaments, tendons, joints, eyes, intestine, stomach, mouth, throat, skin, lungs will never answer the siren call of diseases like Ankylosing spondylitis and Sjögren’s? Did you know she went to a gynecologist who saw the lack of moisture in that most intimate of parts? Have you seen her driving with her eyes drying out and vision fading? Or seen her sitting still as she works on assessing her 11 year old, or talking about her other children, with her throat becoming more and more painful from the lack of moisture that lubricates the throat without you even thinking about it?

Have you seen her kneeling only in her head to God because getting down would hurt and she never gets to finish a prayer?

Have you seen her, living submission to a man who doesn’t know the meaning of Godly leadership all because she assumed he wanted to get rid of everything that hurts others like she wanted to? Do you know she still feels guilty about innocent things she did which were for a good reason but didn’t land right? Yet her husband can cheerfully talk about having abandoned her, his children, and her sick child for an expensive holiday?

Have you seen someone lift their cap in acknowledgement at her but it hurting as she receives the acknowledgement? Were you there when the liar with no conscience told her he’d “forgotten what it’s like to have a sick child” because he can take expensive and long holidays after having refused to take their child to the hospital as she’d asked him to before he went to go have his fun and she dealt with it for over a month day and night? Have you seen how blind he is to her? How he never sees her and doesn’t want to see her?

I know who has seen her. The one who read a family dynamic that reminded her of the life of the invisible one and made her angry on her behalf. She has not seen her physically in many years but she sees her as clear as day even when she’s not looking for her. She sees her in the wives who are the sole parents of the children made by two adults. She sees her in the mother who can’t relax yet the father spends a lot of time doing so. She saw her in how the man thinks earning money is the only way to serve a family and that hard work only happens in an office. She saw her in the woman who never gets leave no matter how sick she is, while the husband gets weekends, public holidays, leave days and days off.

The woman was ‘seen’ by a new paediatrician she took her daughter to who was shocked at the burden she bears daily. Her six year old would best be treated in hospital but because the patient has to be conscious when they put the nasogastric tube down her nose and then throat and into the belly, she’d pull it out as soon as it was put in and the need to be conscious is to avoid aspirating any vomit into the lungs. So, she has a new game plan-more drastic, more long lasting, permanent really. Just one of those things many autistics live with.🥹

She was seen by a gynae who told her that parents of autistic children should get a ticket straight to heaven. I hasten to had- only if they’ve researched their diagnoses, know their therapists and their meds. If they are a sperm or egg donor, no matter how many autistic children they have, they deserve to go where the Sun will never shine.

She was seen when she was asked if she ever takes time off every six months to go on a break and recharge. Why is it strangers and non blood family members see more than the one who pretended to love the woman?

Seen by strangers, seen by friends. I’ve seen her. I’ve seen her so fatigued that she falls asleep while walking, bumping into her 11 year old. I’ve seen her waking every 15 minutes, wondering if a child knocked or if her child is awake. I’ve also seen her falling asleep while working for her children during the day.

Isn’t it wonderful that when God looks at us, He doesn’t see as ‘could not care less’ humans see? Isn’t it lovely that we all are seen no matter what kind of work we do each day? Isn’t it amazing that our value is known -the costs including the horror of the cross for all of us and nobody is worth more than the other?

The gynae said she’d pray for me. I cover the prayer as much as I covet the righteous indignation from those who see me in the lives of others.🙏🏾