What it is

(The post below is why I am truly thankful for my friend who complimented me anger watching a video of mine this week. Nobody wants to be invisible. Nobody likes being invisible when they are literally killing themselves so others can live. She sees me. And she said something kind and sweet. If it wasn’t for that…)

PDA aka Pathological Demand Avoidance aka Pervasive Drive for Autonomy

It’s caused by extreme anxiety. It doesn’t seem like it, that’s why many don’t realize what it is. It manifests as a desire for control. Control of their own self, and control of the environment. They decide, not you, even though you’re the parent or you’re the employer. Control means only they decide. Researchers believe the amygdala views requests as demands and feels threatened by them.

How that manifests is a defiance. A lack of following rules. A lack of desire to do what has been suggested, never requested as that immediately puts them in a danger response, but suggested. As I mentioned before, they end up sometimes not even doing things they want to do and had chosen to do, had planned to do. I gave the example of the teen boy who had suggested going to the movies and getting a pizza but when his friends came round, it felt threatening and though he knew he’d wanted to go, he refused.

They themselves don’t understand it. They don’t want to have it. Nor do we want to deal with it.

Enter my poor Amarissa.

In her own words, “I wish I wasn’t bossy. Do you think that’s why Naynay doesn’t want to play with me as much?”

It is true. And after all, Naynay ALSO has PDA. She was never going to agree to be controlled. So she flees. She comes and complains about Ammy trying to manipulate her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I’ve seen her in action.

Naynay will say she doesn’t want to put on specific leggings for exercise. I will say ok. But Ammy has already planned that they will wear the same thing. Her anxiety at the change of her planned routine makes her want to control her little sister. So she then says, “I can help you put the other leggings on…”

She wants autonomy aka control, by stripping others of their autonomy.

You can imagine the multiple arguments, disagreements in a house where four children definitely have PDA. There’s no peace. After five minutes playing together, a fight will start. Even as I type, these few paragraphs were the longest I could type before the girls came in as I type. The small one wanted to play. The big one wanted her to eat first. The smaller girl got angry at being told what to do and rushed her brother and told him to sit down and eat. He got angry. The girl hissed. The boy became even angrier and threw food.

11 and ten years old. How does someone survive constant tension and war and no peace? How does one stay sane when there’s no other ‘mom’ or parent?

My children were never taught by the other parent, to see and value the work their mother does. Never expected to help their mother. So you find me telling my 19 year old at 4pm that they’ve seriously been on their phone relaxing in a bedroom for far too long. The entire day.

How many years have I prayed for this to stop! For my angel to have something that keeps her busy or entertained? For something to keep her focus for 30 minutes? For me to not be pulled so much? Or so often? Or when I’m busy, at the very least? There are parents who hate that their child can stare at a spinning top for hours. I wouldn’t mind. At least I could teach without a cry of anger when I refuse to be pulled.

I am at breaking point. And the funny thing? I am used to being the one reminding my family that I’m not superhuman. I am used to having to ask for help instead of it being offered. I am used to nobody -from age six up to age 20 and then age 48- worrying about me or seeing that I need to rest.

I was used to it. I used to resent it when people would tell me “at least” I had the older two to help me with the twins. Firstly, there’s only one mommy and autistic children are very specific about who does what. My hand is the one to pull out a room. Not the one texting friends, my hand that is teaching.

And secondly, it doesn’t feel right to be the one reminding people that they should care about you and reduce your burdens. A friend said yesterday that she’s glad my daughter is here on university holiday as she can help me. Even the supper she dished out for the small ones today was because I pointed out that I was sorting laundry while she played around after a whole day of not helping. And of course, my 11 year old interjected with how there’s nothing wrong with children playing.

All day?

Young adults?

How does a parent deal with defiance in a brain that can’t make sense even of 2+3? And in an unapologetic youth?

I’m the only one who knows it, but there’s everything wrong with having to push adults to act like adults. To be grateful and helpful.

And it’s very hard for me to teach someone to help me. It isn’t my job alone to do so. There should be someone else reminding the children that if their mother dies from working too hard, they won’t be able to replace her. It doesn’t feel like help if you have to command it.

And so I wish, wish above all, that autism (with PDA) didn’t exist. Too anxious to see their mother and her needs because life is too hard on them so they need everything perfect, for THEM.

Also, as I mentioned last time too, they can’t keep friends nor jobs. They have no clue abkhr their role in society. A child doesn’t see that they are a child and that they should respect their parent. They interject, argue, interrupt, sincerely thinking it’s ok to do so, that a command is a suggestion because of course, when we are with FRIENDS, we are with EQUALS. And equals never give orders or commands, they suggest. Except there’s a hierarchy in the family and in the workplace. A deference to the boss or to the adult with more experience.

I don’t know any single mothers of six children. I wish I did. It is sad that when a young adult child comes to visit, it just means more laundry and their physical presence but not their actions of love and care.

The sins of the father have been passed down. Oooh, I repeat what I said in a post somewhere. Do not have children with a narcissist. How will they learn to value you if their own father doesn’t?

(Oh, she wasn’t hiding all day. I did ask her to reach one subject to her brother while her little sister was taken to OT. And yes, big brother has exams. Their holiday seasons are different so he’s still in uni mode.)