“But what if they turn you against you when they grow up?” A question apparently asked of not a few adoptive parents when they mention that they will adopt. “But what if you invest all your money on this stranger and then they repay you by moving on and forgetting you later, forgetting to be grateful for what you’ve done and forgetting that they owe you?” Is what they are asking.
I have always hated that concept. The concepts-plural. Firstly, gratitude. That our adoptees owe us a whole lot of gratitude that our biological children apparently don’t is plain weird to me. I don’t get it. We give both sets of children life. The bio kid wouldn’t be alive without us. Without our feeding and changing them as helpless newborns, without our getting them treatment when sick, they’d die. So why don’t we ask pregnant women if they’re sure they want to have children given the children might respond to them like Absalom did, with murder in their hearts?
Our adoptees receive a life from us. Hopefully a life of love, compassion, nurturing, education, care, respect…Hmm, nothing different to what we give our biological children! So why should only one type of child owe us anything?
Secondly, the concept of leaving us, or of forsaking us. I don’t adopt so I can keep someone under me. I don’t adopt so later in life they take care of me, or love me… It’s not about what I’ll gain! It’s about being something that someone needs. It’s not an investment that I want a return on! It’s a living human being who deserves love.
If these naysayers died and left behind their biological children, would they expect the guardians to expect to be repaid for raising them? Would they be thinking, “I hope Susie always sticks to Mandy and Jim no matter what. I hope she remembers that she owes them her loyalty for doing what any decent human should do.”
Absalom turned against his own biological father. The ultimate act of rebellion and ingratitude-desiring to murder your father. I’ve seen quite a few articles of family murders. Most have been performed by biologically related children.
Yet nobody has ever responded with, “See!? They shouldn’t have had sex and conceived. Now their child turned against them after everything they did for him.”
If they ‘turn against’ me, I’ll do what I do now. What I did before I met them…
Love them.
I didn’t adopt so I could have a loyal puppy. I adopted so my children could experience family. I’ll have succeeded. I’ll have succeeded if they grow up with a mom they have the luxury of “turning against.” And that’s all that matters to me.
One of the people who has been very hateful about my children once had her lastborn son hold her by the neck, trying to throttle her. She called the police. She also once had her only daughter tell her she looks forward to “pissing on” her “grave” when she’s dead. Hmm, the fact that her bio kids would act the way they have, means that if any adoptee left HER, they’d be justified. And so it is with some adoptees who DO turn against their parents. They weren’t even trying to be what the children deserve. And sometimes, they were being hurtful on purpose.
More power to those who don’t stay merely for the sake of the debt they feel they owe. Do what is right for you, Adult Adoptee. You don’t owe your adoptive parents anything more than what biological children owe. If we adopted to do you a favour, expecting your undying loyalty not because of love but because of DUTY, then we have failed you.
Feel free to turn against us.
They said I should write a book 