I have nobody in my shoes. And the one friend who is very adept at putting herself in my shoes is always “very busy” so by the time she has responded and put herself in my shoes, I’ve got a whole new pair of shoes on!🙃
So, I will be doing a video sometime soon on going no contact with my birth family. How unnatural that is. All around me, my friends had these awesome mothers. Mothers who mothered ME when I visited them. Parents I thought and KNEW I deserved. But..it’s time to end the cycle of pain. And I’ll lay it out via video. And why? Well, I think you’ve read a bit of why, but the why I’m referring to is, “Why a video?”
I heal through the stories of others. There’s a man who said one needs to have a qualified professional guide them but many comments stated how they can’t afford it, or more worrying for me with my back pain that would be worsened by sitting through counseling, there are no trauma qualified counselors in their areas anyway. Or they try, but the counselor /therapist tells them to “make peace with” their toxic relatives, ‘forgive them’ and KEEP EXPOSING themselves to the trauma.
I’m not going to waste money and time and health to potentially sit through someone ELSE who will invalidate my pain. I get enough of that for free! I am learning more and more to not share with others because unlike that one person in the above paragraph, through no fault of their own, people can’t read nuances. Or don’t wonder about the impact something has on your mental health. For example, let’s pretend I’ve told you that my favourite aunt just ranted and raved and swore at me. And you just say, “Wow, so much for her being a Christian.” But never dive into, “What!? So all these years she has been fake!? Oh no. Do you feel betrayed? How did you feel?? I can’t imagine how I’d feel if someone I loved turned on me like that when I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”
Or I tell you, “I have to accept that I will never have a father. I kept hoping and waiting.”
And get..no response.
I can’t put into words how silence is violence.
And so how will I heal? By telling MY story. I set up my channel to inform and to help. And the help I received this morning was from others’ videos. By helping whoever might come across it in the future, I will help myself.
By expressing myself fully, I will heal myself by taking the power into my hands- there’s also violence in this cultural notion of “don’t tell people what’s happening in the family.” It’s usually said by the people most harmful and hurtful. Usually said to the victim of their toxicity. Nope. I will say what I want!
By not waiting for a “I can’t imagine the disappointment and hurt you’re feeling” that you’d expect from someone you’ve unburdened yourself to, I save myself the pain of invalidation. A camera is just recording. I don’t expect a verbal or written hug from it.
Win-win. Someone else might weep when they come across my experience that mirrors theirs as I wept earlier on today. Weeping is cathartic. You finally allow yourself to start the mourning process. And nobody will give me an end date to mourning, just like I don’t give anyone a timeline to end their own mourning.
We were a very close knit, (and I THOUGHT) loving family all believing in the same God and wanting the same for each other. I was wrong. To finally realise that I was wrong, that I truly am just something to be USED..not a human to LOVE, is …You’ll find out later. AFTER I change my number…😝
They said I should write a book 