I think I’d have made a terrible ‘normal’ mom! I just can’t do it. It’s not in me. Those mums who in their presence of their tweens and teens would tell me they couldn’t homeschool as they can’t stand being with their children? I don’t get it. Those children are old enough to turn on their own programs, read their own books, help with chores and have conversations that have a beginning and an end and make sense to both parties.
My life isn’t like that. My girl pulls me and demands food too often. This week, I lay down on my bed with a huge sigh of relief and not a second later, she burst into the room and immediately came to my hand to pull me. I told her, “Nope. No way! I need to rest! I’m not going with you. Come sleep with Mommy.” She screamed “Shleep!” Then daw” and ran out.
Then she returned with a doll! Ran out again and fetched her teddy. And so we ALL lay down except..we didn’t. The dolls did! But she has no concept of safety so didn’t realise that she was constantly right at the edge. And wouldn’t budge when I tried to move her towards me, away from the edge. It didn’t work. Lying down wasn’t happening as I was sitting up trying to roll her over, of sliding her bum over..,Lying down was just as hard on my body as not lying down. So I got up.
Her behaviour in always wanting me to go somewhere with her is the reason we have been looking for an autism learning centre. It’s for the sake of the other children that I want to send her to a more therapeutic learning centre.
So why does it feel like I’m sentencing her to a prison term? Why am I not following up with the director who I’m meant to be seeing who runs a centre that would suit her? Why do I feel so torn? When she backs into me expecting a hug, my great melts. When she deliberately looks into my eye and smiles, i I want to hold her forever. And that’s the problem.
I enjoy her. It’s not ALL gloom and doom. And sometimes she does wonder outside with the others before coming back in to look for me. And even the food she’s always wanting? I love seeing her open the correct cupboards and drawers to get herself a spoon and bowl.
I enjoy being her mom too much. I enjoy her presence. I enjoy her. And that is why I am very relaxed. Maybe the director will e email today. And maybe I’ll make a plan for her. But I’m not sure she’d survive
Her dad feels it too. He doesn’t know whether she would even thrive without mommy there. My angel needs mommy. And mommy seems to need her angel.❤️
They said I should write a book 