I used to dislike hearing people say, “Happy Sabbath” when greeting me at church. I’m not worshipping for happiness, to feel good, but for blessings that will help me become good, holy, pure in God’s eyes. So I’ve always deliberately said, “Blessed Sabbath,” or, “I hope you will have a blessed Sabbath.”
Nothing strips you if the FEELING of being blessed as pain. Emotional, physical, both types. If you aren’t resting from negative experiences, you don’t feel like it is a Sabbath. Sabbath is meant to bring us closer to God and further away from the earth’s charms and harms!
But not when the devil has your health and your children firmly in his grip. You feel as harried as you would on any other day. Yes, you might not be “doing school,” but you’re still teaching. And AS, ADHD, Autism and intellectual impairment and everything else, have no day of rest.
And so, a day which began with some hope has not ended yet *gulp* , but has come with some hard moments. I’ve been warning my ten year old, our helper has warned her, but still, despite us telling her to stop touching and catching bees, she got stung yesterday. And her finger is still sore and swollen and red at the tip. Normal, but it’s the fact that she caused it that makes it worse. I don’t like worrying about my children. It takes away my peace. And knowing it was by choice sadly doesn’t make me STOP worrying or being sad about her (according to Google) few days of suffering.
The teens have been here for almost a week now. I had THOUGHT I’d be able to take the children to nature on Sabbath last week but my body said no. And it’s still saying no. So I told them they could go wherever they’d like and so it was, they went to the aquarium.
After doing some Bible reading, I felt in a hurry. We took a short walk. And that too is a big deal. We used to take walks in the evenings when my husband is around when the children were calm- twins in bed and middle two reading or playing calmly. But now, there are no teens to watch over them in the evenings or on weekends anymore so we’ve been stuck at home. I could walk alone, but I feel like my limp when alone draws too much attention to me and I feel self conscious. And it’s not like it’s a power walk for exercise. Just a short gentle stroll. A third of the distance I could walk two years ago.😐
Back to the point. I was feeling rushed. We just had a few moments of ‘peace’ till the group returned. I came back home and settled in, trying to finish as much of their nature story as I could. But they arrived before I had finished.
And that is the crux of the matter. Two hours isn’t enough to give true rest. Because of their peculiarities, one twin pulling me when I sit with everyone, the other not focusing well when I’m teaching face to face, I have to then record their videos. Edit them, find engaging pictures. And then put it all together. So I’m sitting.
Pain.
They returned from the aquarium. And chaos started. I went to go warm up lunch and dish it out and my girl began, “Car. Car. Kayi. Kayi.” (Don’t know how the vowels change.) Her dad always says we should say no. After all, they’d gone all the way to the CBD to the aquarium, it’s enough. Nope, not for her.
So I went to hide at his urging. But the girl wanted her car ride come hell or night water. And the loud tears began.
Ten minutes later, I gave up. My driving leg has been giving me a lot of trouble. But I couldn’t handle the fact that SHE was unhappy, and everyone (perhaps excluding her father who was saying no to the car ride) else also had to be party to it. I needed to make things better for the other children.
So I took her for her drive.
Calm restored.
But not my own.
For just an hour after that, I found a mess that didn’t make sense at first. Till they told me they’d been melting crayons with hot water. I know ADHDers are creative. But at this point, I wish all their creativity was in a positive direction. Not something resulting in MORE work like their little sister’s brand of autism results in. How will I even begin to clean this?
And this is the crux of the problem. My body doesn’t allow me to be watching over them wherever they go. And I have to parent and teach, feed and launder. I can’t follow them outside to ensure they don’t get stung by bees. I can’t drive all the time. What happens when my joint on that burning bad right leg is fully fused? Or I’ve caught an infection I don’t want them to catch so don’t want to sit in a car with them? What happens when I’m in an even worse AS state and can’t drive her anywhere? How will she and all of us handle her screams and cries? I can’t be hovering over them to make sure they don’t melt crayons. I can’t do it all.
And because I can’t do it all, lots happens that definitely does not feel like a blessing. That short break I got when they went to the aquarium didn’t feel like one at all. Because I was still giving my body to my children. Not by choice, but because their special needs demand I record so they can learn.
I feel like the strain is aging me.
Today is definitely not FEELING happy nor blessed. It’s stressful, PAINFUL and sad. My pain levels are increasing. Even at night I dreamt I had fused up and was planning surgery to break the bones and fuse them in a better position.
Nevertheless, I keep on. What else can I do?
They said I should write a book 