Still Keeping It Real

I don’t thank Him EVERY day. Today, I’m out of options and solutions and hope. Today, I am done. I am tired. I am sad. Today, I am fearful, anxious, worn and weary. Today, I am not feeling anything close to thankful, only desperate.

Truth is, it CAN be worse. But, my goodness, it could be better too! And so today, I will recognise that acknowledging that things could be easier is not wrong. Asking God why He won’t make any aspect easier is a very fair question.

There will be days when we just sink. Distressed, upset, faking the smile that adorns our faces. Patient when feeling impatient with God. Where is the help You promised? Where is the strength You said you’d provide for each day? Because right now, today…I am weak.

I honestly despised the light, trivial, thoughtless happy new year messages I received this year. It was like the sender put no through into it at all. How can this be a great year when none of my years have ever been great, pray tell? How can I be happy – the way it’s meant in that phrase- when every day is painful? Physically and emotionally?

I’m also mindful of those who didn’t send such light, pithy messages. The ones who wished I “get better”…Umm, I have an incurable disease. Keep your miracle hopes to yourself . I know they didn’t mean, “I hope this year brings treatment that brings relief.” I know they actually have no idea what AS and her friends have done to me and continue to do to me. Just like the very same people have no cooking clue how hectic my parenting and educating journey is.

I don’t need messages, I need help. And I don’t know where to find it.

I need affordable special needs educators for all three of my younger children. There aren’t any.

I need my mommy dragging non speaking angel to stop dragging me and stop seeing food when she sees me. It gets in the way of our ‘learning’ and our play and my chores and my interactions with the other kiddies. Will it ever happen?

I need to figure out how to help my middle two who it turns out have words, but have no idea what the words mean. How do you even communicate when you have to ask them to re-phrase just in case what they are passing on isn’t what they intend to share?

Where is the help? I wish we were living in my book. Lol. There’s a foster book I was reading based in the UK . The foster child got the child one on one help via a teaching assistant or aide that sat through each lesson with the child and helped that one child. Ha! What are the chances HERE? That would definitely be something I’d use if I were there. (And a foster mom. I don’t know if the State provides the services to normal families.)

My body pain is increasing. I feel sick – nausea etc (Finished my antibiotics tests and REFUSE to take more!) I’m done . I want to sleep. I want to rest. I want to relax.

While I wait for that opportunity. I’ll rejoice in having hung half the laundry. It could have been none of it. I’ll be glad I did something educational with my talking children who do engage with me. I will rejoice over how once during a very long puzzle play, my non talking angel told me “two!” as she put the number 2 in the correct slot. I’ll be happy in how she now does turn the pieces around, only giving up a few times and asking me (Pulling my hand while holding the piece and directing me to the right hole!!)

I can not thank God for our challenges as they are just too overwhelming. But I’ll thank Him for other things. I hope He sees the above paragraph because I’m too sad to talk ‘happy’ right now. Maybe later 😅

And He won’t mind waiting.