Michael Jackson

I am not saying anything about his alleged victims. I am not saying whether he was or was not a man stunted in childhood and wishing for what he didn’t have, but showing it the wrong way. I’m not saying whether he’s innocent or guilty. Only God knows…

What I know is that many of his songs were my life. What I know is that when my high school friend and I made up dances to his songs and I was told to take up dance professionally, I felt seen. I was not a no good.

One Voice Children’s Choir did a cover of this song so it popped up in my music app as a new release. Of course I listened. And it too brought me to tears just like the 1993 original has ever done.

From the beginning, from the day this song came out, my heart felt it. I don’t know who the writer is. But they were speaking my soul. I wanted to be loved, held. I loved the little one doing sign language. It was everything- y’all know I wanted to adopt since I was 10 years old. I wanted to imagine having a loving mother and brother. And this particular concert, where the ‘angel’ comes down?? It always made me bawl too. I wanted, yearned for someone to hold me. I mostly used to recover from surgery alone at home. Nothing as lonely as not being held when in extreme pain. I was reminded of this song last week because a young girl was asking her mom to stay home with her and the mom was loudly telling her that her family responsibility leave is over and she should be grateful that at least she took her to the doctor. There was no, “I’m sorry, I do want to take care of you.” That’s what killed me. It was like the poor child was asking for something she should not have been asking for- being a pest.

I was that little girl at the Clicks pharmacy. It hurts. Lonelienss while in the company of those who outsiders think is caring is a painful kind of loneliness.

The most heartrending lines are “But I’m only human” and “I get lonely sometimes…” Even in 1993 they broke my heart. I wished I could protect from his money grubbing parents. But I wished I could protect myself too.

I get lonely sometimes.

I’m not a super anything, I’m only human. And oh, I want to be held.

Thank you, One Voice Children’s Choir for reminding me of this song and making me go search for it. My God will come with ten thousands of His angels. Real angels. And they will hold me and every heartache will disappear. Every betrayal forgotten. Every wound healed. My body and my heart will be like His- perfect.

Until then, every now and then when I need to let out my emotions and cry, I will listen to this song. (Sorry to those who are offended by some of the dressing or dance moves. He wasn’t a holy roller SDA. But his songs touched this heart of mine.)