No Garlic Powder

It’s been a while now. I’ve wondered if anyone with AS has ever been given a disabled badge so they can park closer to the entrances of shops etc. Today, I looked it up when the garlic powder came into play.

I needed fruit. I needed loo paper amongst many other things. I was alone. I had trouble just bending to take things out of the trolley and it was a third of the usual amount. I went first to the supermarket then to Clicks for the toilet paper. Rather, I limped. It was painful and I was stiff. And so, when I had to go to another supermarket to get their ‘non clumping together’ garlic powder, I couldn’t.

The agony and stiffness in my right leg were too great. My hip wasn’t cooperating. I was suffering and I barely got myself to the car. It was as if my hips were dying on me.

No garlic powder.

I sent the teens. But what will happen when they are gone? I see that my rheumatologist must fill in a form for the traffic department stating whether it’s a temporary or permanent disability. The form asks if I can walk and get out the car on my own or if I’m in a wheelchair and need aid. It asks if I’m using aids. I can’t use any. The cane hurts my painful wrists and I can’t try any other aid as I have a trolley to push.

Today was emotional. Who knew I, the exercise fiend, would one day not even be able to WALK to get garlic powder in a shopping centre?

My wrists are sore. I’m just SORE and so sad! Someone thought they were helping me by reminding me that Jesus loves me. I didn’t want to sound churlish so I didn’t reply. It’s not like I’ve ever said He doesn’t. But more importantly, His love isn’t buying me garlic powder. It’s not getting rid of my suffering. His love isn’t helping me fulfill my duties. I can’t exactly ask Him to go get my shopping for me.

His love is no cure or treatment or help. I need tangible help. I am in need of practical help not platitudes. Those who regret not being able to help, that is understandable. I know they are sad for me. But telling me Jesus loves me…Do I seem like I don’t know it? 🤔

AS is a systemic disease not a memory disorder. 🥹 And yes, I say this as someone who was blasting Christian songs as I drove and sang at the top of my voice. “My God is awesome,” yes. But I need hands and help. My helper can’t get a driver’s license. What to do?

Will keep praying and seeking answers. There are very few domestic workers who can drive. There are very few domestic workers who are patient with the drama that is ADHD and autism and intellectual impairment. And I need one every day now.

Jesus, take the wheel and lead me to help.