The Red Flags

Long ago, A was a young girl in love with what she thought was a godly man. She’d never had a true boyfriend before. She was 18 and wanted a boyfriend who’d become her husband. No dumping and crying. No hurting.

But, she hadn’t realised that she’d been raised to view love as a life of crying and hurting because her parents were cruel. They hurt her. They even stole from her when she had earned money making a TV advert. She had no clue what true love is when she met B.

And so, she fell for the man at the pulpit. Charming, great orator, knew his Bible though he didn’t always follow it. She gave grace. “I’m not perfect either. We will grow together,” she told herself.

He had email and letter ‘affairs’ but she kept forgiving him. After all, the church had drummed into her that forgiving means taking back. Now she knows forgiving means not harboring hatred but also saving yourself from further harm. See, he never actually said sorry. She forgave someone who was never repentant, never sorry. Never in the wrong. He just wanted to keep a girl like her. She thought, very wrongly, that by wanting her and not the others (so he claimed) he WAS sorry. After all, her version of love was to only have one partner. Surely a godly man was like that. God still loved David. Except David, when shown he was wrong, fully admitted that HE WAS WRONG. B never ever in his life did that.

And so, A ignored the red flags. When she’d ask him why he’s flirting with other girls, instead of apologizing for hurting her, he’d tell her, “ Dating isn’t like marriage. Your options are still open.” I look back at her choice and think, “You missed it. He was saying YOU don’t matter to him. As long as HE is happy, then YOU must be happy too. You were right. A relationship, especially with a so called godly man is meant to be modest and circumspect and loving to the other party.” I wish I could have gone back and shaken her awake. She was not wrong to expect faithfulness.

She was wrong to think marriage would change his dirty heart.

He proposed and she stupidly said yes. Even though there had been another red flag. Something disquieting. He was very able to tell when people were singing terribly. But for months he had told her that his mommy sang wonderfully. When she finally got to hear his mommy, she was shaken. Singing was not at all a talent she had. She sounded worse than the people he criticized.

Red flag. A man who worships his mommy so much that he can’t be logical and honest will never become a man who makes a great husband. He already married his mommy. She is in charge of his heart. And if she was also unfaithful in her marriage, then you have two red flags. A mommy’s boy who will never brand his mommy as an adulteress. A mommy’s boy who – if mommy is never wrong – clearly won’t think adultery is wrong either. And this mommy, was an adulteress.

She should have run. But, she told herself that they didn’t live close to mommy so she’d be safe. She forgot that there are phones, so mommy’s voice and influence would ever be present. He’d never grow up. He would always be mommy’s boy, not a husband to her.

As with too many African families, mommy was centre stage. He never defended A. When she begged him to speak up, he’d tell her that because mommy never said it to him directly, that it had “nothing to do with” him.

Red flag. A man that loves you will always defend you when people hurt and lie about you. There’s a young Xhosa couple whose family of the husband is like B’s family. The Bible doesn’t rule. But when the husband heard that his mother and aunt had said something awful to his precious wife, she had to stop HIM from standing up for her. THAT is a husband. A man who protects his wife. A man who loves the family he created.

Time went on and A gave up on ever having B stand up for her. When he was ( predictably when the rest of us look back) been unfaithful to her, this time, her greatest reason to divorce was not him, it was his ever present, ever disruptive mommy and sister.

But.. She could not escape. No money. No schools for her children. Out of the workforce for decades raising their children, who would hire her ?

(The number of stay at home mothers I’ve spoken to who are marginalized and hurt and unable to escape BECAUSE of putting their children first is depressing. The devil has turned what is good into a terrible trap for wonderful women.)

But things were never right. He openly became the ungodly man he had ever been. No more pretense. He lived for himself and his mommy and his sister and she was just an add on. When they lied about her, he told her pointblank that he was tired of her saying things about his “ immediate family.”

That’s when she gave up.

She was married to a mommy’s boy. Every sensible and logical person knows that your wife and children are your immediate family. She was nothing. That’s why he kept his mommy and sister happy even while they hurt her. She was a stranger to his HEART. Being a husband meant nothing to him. He gave money but not loyalty and love.

And so, we mourn and we cry and we get angry on her behalf. And we wonder why he bothered marrying her when all he would do would end up breaking her.

A good woman is hard to find. It’s because they’ve been taken by bad men who seemed charming and godly from the outside looking in. And were taken when too young to understand how true, proper love works.

Love doesn’t hurt. Love cares. Love apologises when wrong. Love protects. Love is honest. Love is love in public and in secret, at home and outside. Love was not what she found. It was the love she’d been given as a child. A love that stole from her.

I want to dive deeper into red flags.

There are many hurting husbands and wives out there. I want to share one more story soon. From a man’s perspective after his supposedly Christian marriage also imploded.

My biggest pieces of advice from the story of A is

• If his mommy can do no wrong, he won’t care when she does you and God wrong.
• If he minimizes hurting you when unmarried, unless he becomes converted, he will do the same when married.
• If you ask him while dating, to obey certain Bible rules, and he doesn’t, but pretends to on the pulpit, he will continue as the years go by, again, unless he is converted along the way.
• Do not marry if you haven’t analysed how you were raised. If your parents were mean to you, if they insulted you, criticized your looks or body and never cared about your thoughts, joys, didn’t ask how school was going, check if you’d done your homework and offered help when you were struggling. That wasn’t love, it was neglect and abuse and until you realise it, you’ll fall for an abuser.
• The first time he’s unfaithful, run. With all these other red flags, there is nothing to stay for. He is no David. He’s a Judas Iscariot.