Oh the GUILT!

I already felt guilty in the morning when Twim B decided I had taught her twin long enough and she wanted me to go where she wanted to. Thankfully that little tussle didn’t last long. But it wasn’t good because all my ADHDers need hands on teaching and I can’t be hands on when I’m being pulled around.

Fast forward to tonight and the guilt hit again. Yes, it strikes during the day too but this one was more in my face. I was making stew for the children and Vi, and also planning and choosing school and skills work for tomorrow. I had asked Twin A’s biggest brother to brush her teeth while carried on looking at which lessons should be done tomorrow and what resources they need. Eg. Different book, the

Then I heard it, “SOMEBODY!!??”

Twin A! Was she in the toilet and needed toilet paper? I left the school work and went to look for her, finding her in bed. She’d wanted someone to put her to sleep! And nobody had🥹. She had to yell for it. The guilt was terrible. I’m meant to be her soother. How could I forget her when I’m the one who had told her she could sleep?

My children went to go drop ironing off at an ironing business earlier today. Yes, I’m jumping from one time of day to an earlier time. The sweet employee told the children that I “gave birth to beautiful children”, meaning all of them! My poor Amarissa said it made her feel sad because she wasn’t born from me. I told her the fact that nobody can tell there’s a difference between how she is loved vs how her siblings are loved shows how she’s a natural part of the family. She felt better.

And also, her talkative twin was then reminded of how Ammy had begged for a baby sister. “You just had to be patient when you were asking for me!”😂she told her sister.

Speaking of ‘family…’

I posted a video on YouTube and recently where I share about the financial abuse I’m subjected to and have been subjected to. How my pitiful wage for caring for, raising, doing therapy admin, school research (Everybody has blanked me despite multiple attempts for a school for my boy) is scrutinized as well as purchases I make for my family. I don’t have my own account except the one the pitiful ‘stipend’ goes into, so everything I buy is seen by the Boss. And the boss has been claiming we will be broke by year X because of my spending.

Yes, not because he gave away half a million rands to his whack brother despite my definite no. Not because he’s secretly giving away tens of thousands to his floozy. But because of the money he knows of, that I’m spending on members of our family. Not because last Wednesday he paid for lights to get to Tokyo for a marathon, hotel fees, your fees for four days after the marathon, but now extra hotel fees because the Dubai route is shut, different and extra flight ticket costs, and more hotel nights. But somehow all the money that will allegedly run out is my fault and never his.

Miss me with that. I don’t fall for manipulation, gaslighting and control. Especially as the ‘money is running out’ only started out of vindictiveness after I had found out about the money being spent on his ho. I don’t bother reading any “financial analysis” that suddenly comes because it doesn’t have all income included. Nor all outgoings. That analysis would have worked when I was 20. Not now. I have found myself now.

What I do think about are bladder issues. Pun intended. My 11 year old is still having pee accidents despite the consistent ‘every 29 minutes’ alarm I set throughout the day. An alarm she hates and complains about. She came asking for new underwear and pyjama bottoms this evening because somehow between toilet visits, she’d had an accidents no physiological reason. Not good. The washing powder, fabric softener, the clothes and under clothing that need daily washing…I have more pressing things than worrying about a man who isn’t sure when he will return from his holiday.

So, what gives me a piece of happiness? Good things, good people, funny moments. Like my six year old telling me I don’t need to teach her about nouns today because she studied what nouns are already from somewhere she can’t recall. She was right. I just got her to do the exercise linked to the lesson and understood it.

My dear Amarissa might be behind academically, but she’s doing well with her Grammar lessons despite her learning disorders! Same with comprehension skills, She got nothing wrong for one of her tests and I know that that will motivate her even more!

And my ‘scratching everyone and pulling their hair out their scalps’ twin daughter was quieter today. No screaming and attacking! That’s a win, right?

And so, as I now prepare the last child’s school work (Computing) at 22:00, I thank you for sticking with me. Flydah, thank you for showing me you see me. Karen, I am thankful I can put some of my venting on here so you don’t have to deal with all of it!