Grunting and a Nap

It started with increased grunting on Thursday. I knew she wasn’t ok. I took her for a drive to see if the car would soothe her enough to feel happier. It didn’t. Instead, my stress and worry, helplessness and fatigue increased with each kilometer I drove.

What is wrong?

Why is she acting the very same way she acted before I took her to hospital the other time? But she’s been passing stool. What’s wrong?

For loving parents, you can only be as happy as your saddest child. That already puts me in a constant state of unhappiness given my children’s neurodivergence makes them miserable each day for different reasons. Add the inability to communicate and you have a mother who can never be truly happy. And that’s without the audible grunting from pain.

Then things regressed. My children, and by extension I, do not slept well anyway. But it’s now even worse. My girl has been up and loud by 4am. The father then leaves me to keep her somehow quiet so she doesn’t wake her siblings after telling me, “I have to go run.” And then he has the silence, no grunting, no worry, no crying and sadness during the day. No night time interruptions, not even sleeping late like I have to till I am sure every child is asleep and won’t come wake me.

This morning, erupted with bleary Sjögren’s disease eyes, teeth, AS pain and her sounding wide awake and loud. And by 5am, she was screaming. I suggested hospital. The father said nah, we should wait for me to book an appointment for her to see the pediatrician. Today is Saturday! I told him the paed isn’t available till end of April. (I needed to see him to put our PMDD girl on birth control so I’d contacted his rooms on Thursday.)

Then he asked if she doesn’t have a GP she sees. No…She has a paed! And I reminded him that a GP can’t see through her to see if her belly is empty. Yes she has been moving stool, but she’s acting exactly like she was when I took her to the hospital on the 6th. I know from normal info that one can be constipated even while going regularly. Add the Sjögren’s lady whose scan also showed way too much stored in her despite how often she does go seeing as our bowels don’t produce liquid to move things along, and you have a suspicion her belly isn’t ok despite the multiple poops throughout the day, two of them complete blow outs that required an immediate bath and change of clothes.

I ended up saying, over my poor child’s screams that had now woken Ammy and broken her heart, “If I was healthy, I would take her to the hospital. This isn’t right.”

They went to the hospital.

And yep, her stomach is PACKED. We have two medical type clean outs we must do, then adult colon meds for five days after. I pray it works. I pray it never happens again. With her diet, it’s very easy for this to happen. I really hate autism.

But hey, all is right in the world. I got the meds into her -150ml is not easy! And her father is happily restfully napping for an hour. Being strong and healthy and sleeping at 8pm and waking at 4am to go run must be so hard.

Meanwhile, I hope her grunts of pain disappear. And never return. I am barely holding on as it is. I feel like something in my head is going to snap. I keep telling God that I want to be thankful, but the suffering He is allowing in every single facet of my life is over shadowing a lot of the light. I am not content. I want my child to be able to tell me when her pain is starting so I can catch it sooner. I want to get a break and rest. I want my children to stop being challenging so they too can be happy.

I asked Ammy why she lied about her little brother. There was no reason. It’s like she seeks trouble for others. She wants me to reprimand an innocent sibling.

But then her response becomes so extreme that you have to remind yourself that you do have to discipline. You do have to ask why, and tell them it wasn’t kind nor right. But man, the reaction is also as intense as the many times a day behaviours.

I need a happy group of children.🥹