A Question

I answered in for affirmative and asked why she even asked that so many weeks later and so unexpectedly! Seems my mentioning how I don’t get any time to eat during the day matters to her. That, is not MY norm. Nobody else has worried about my not being able to find rest or a break to eat during the day.🥰

Yesterday, it would been a no. I tried to make time to eat, I got as far boiling water in the kettle. I then only ate at 21:00! I look at my grapes, my gluten-free sandwich prepared yesterday as I walk past to and fro doing school work.

Another one I was asked today is how I’m coping with the housework. I am NOT. I never sat down to get proper rest even with househelp. Without it, it’s a losing battle. And nothing in the home strips my peace of mind like clutter and dirt. Give me noise anytime. But mess and clutter? Watch me take things off a sofa and then an hour later even more than you removed is back? Especially with children’s facilitator that didn’t pitch so it’s all too crazy and not school friendly? It kills.

What also kills? Being a single mother when I should not be one. I want to move two of the children to a South African special needs curriculum. The ones we have are still academic and I pick and choose which is applicable for them and the direction they can head towards. I wanted something needing less research and giving more research. I also wanted to be able to match what the public special schools use. The private ones adapt a British special needs one. But our SA ones use an adaptation of the national curriculum. Except, there’s no actual workbooks given by the education department, no textbooks or teacher guides for what we should teach. They just tell us it’s 80A% practical. How do I make that REAL? How do I implement that? What do they expect from the child at the end of a level? No idea.

And I have no fellow parent to discuss that with. The victories we achieved during our home education journey didn’t matter. The difficulties matter even less. For a man who views glasses as a sign of ugliness, other disorders are even more distasteful. Hence the way the infidelities started when I was in the midst of getting diagnoses and assessments for our now ten year old. And why he resumed when the twins were also broken. I now believe he decided to conceive instead of adopting as planned, out of a desire to NOT have a broken child.

Instead, he got two ‘broken’ children. And I’m the only one raising them and loving them. And sometimes, it stinks. A feeling I’m sure many ‘not by choice’ single mothers experience, given they didn’t make their children on their own.

For now, I am thankful for the teacher friend who noticed I mentioned my DCAPS desire mentioned on a different sm platform, and is looking around for resources. 🙏🏾

We don’t need necessarily need men, we need companionship and a circle of warmth and concern. Blessed are those who provide it even from afar.