When my 11 year old was going mad, the day she tried to burn herself and kept turning the stove on as the facilitator held her back but she kept aiming for the switch and turning those terrifying flames on, I contacted the Dept of Social Development and told them I am a single mother with no support and need my girl to enter temporary safety care. I had thought about this for a month. I felt like such a terrible mother. But then I also had the experience of the adoptive mother who told me they ended up putting one of their two adopted sons in an institution due to his aggression-thriving while they visit and reassuring him that they will never abandon him but will also never him back home again. Where is such an institution in Cape Town? How expensive is it?
I couldn’t handle it anymore. Having to always intervene and unable to muzzle her when she bullied her little sister. Reducing her sister to tears…My living in fear all the time and facilitator also scared. She was unpredictable and dangerous. We couldn’t keep her here. Maybe if she was an only child, someone would have managed. But she’s not.
It has been almost a week of bliss now. No worrying about being followed and objects being stolen from my room. No creepy fear when she suddenly is right behind me silently following me into the bedroom that no longer felt like my sanctuary, No having to wait to chop food to cook till she’s not in the house. And even when I did manage to finish slicing and dicing while she played outside, she still looked for the dirty knife and found it and cut herself after it had been in the wash, waiting to be cleaned. I have less stress now. Less anxiety. She’d even searched my apron pocket to look for the keys she’s seen me using to lock her out, her creepy “Why are you locking your room?” making me feel scared. Why not? I always have locked it since the stealing began. The question should have been, “Why does it matter to you?”
The other two miss her but also say they are so happy without her. They play peacefully now and she’s not there to boss them around. Yesterday was sad. I am so used to them constantly coming to ask for stationery, cardboard, paper, punch, scissors on and on all day long, that I expected the same yesterday. No ability to relax my mind and body.
But nothing happened. No child came asking for anything. I even went to go ask if they were ok! We (friend, facilitator and I) have always known my girl bullied and bossed the little sister, but I didn’t realise how she dictated what they’d do as much as she does. I always assumed the poor girl she sent to come and ask for this and that wanted them too. I always thought she wanted to cut or colour or sew, until yesterday when she asked for none of the craft books, apps or material. She was happy playing with her Lego creations and pretending with her brother that their toys were Israelite soldiers going to war.
I knew my little one was being used as always coming to ask even though it was for the benefit of the bigger sister. And my heart broke the day I asked, “You can tell me the truth. I won’t tell your sister I know, but did you really want to come ask or did she send you?”
With a sob she said, “I don’t want her to know I told you…” That was answer enough.
Not even healthy Tashreeq can be everywhere at once. How much more I who should be nowhere at all except in bed? Not standing and writing school lesson plans, not bending to laminate posters and not teaching nor supervising an aggressive child who makes everyone miserable when she’s miserable. It was so bad that even if the other two didn’t want whatever I denied her, she would become so loudly disappointed that they’d also end up miserable too. She can change their mood. And that’s horrible.
The DSD social workers came to the house two days later. Our girl was now in the normal hospital after having tried and tried to bash my son with various weapons. They told me there’s no foster parent with training in caring for autistic children, and neither is there a children’s centre trained in autism, let alone likely to take on one with behavioural issues. And even if we tried to put her in the home for the FASD children, the addict children, there would be a long waiting list.
Instead, they told me to go to Court and tell them to get the father to pay to hire an au pair. That wouldn’t help! That was only for my other request for a guardian for psychiatric admission as I’m unable to be admitted with her and stay in hospital with her 24/7 like one psych hospital demands.
I have other children. And the week is showing me how desperately they need me home all the time. Their big brother is just there to sit on his phone. No meds are given, no sleep meds yet it’s way past the time they take them. The worst is no ensuring our chronic constipation baby girl finishes the drink I left her with which has a sachet of the fibre powder. It’s wondering if she got all her drinks faithfully, shed be suffering again.
When I get home from visiting, things are so chaotic, food not given, older ones not having been told to bath, that they sleep an our later than normal. And our minimally talking angel sleeps even at midnight when sleep meds not given in time.
I have to be at home for the majority of the children.
On Friday, the psychiatrist phoned and gave me an update on how long my girl will stay at the clinic, and asked if the clinic social worker had found a place for my girl to live in after she’s discharged.
Validation.
Someone else could see how ‘bad’ she is. But nope, no placement from the social worker and no acknowledgement of the communication I had sent her to prove how disinterested the father is-never responding to any request for him to take her to hospital emergency unit nor to my fears for the little ones- but she’s not acknowledged receipt.
Where will my girl go? What has she been saying to the psychiatrist that makes him very sure that my decision is the right one? How’s he also as sure as I am that the smaller ones don’t deserve a bully in their space?
Scary.
And in the meantime, I kill myself with hospital visits. No friend or relative to visit her so I can save money and stop aggravating my ‘already in a flare body.m’ We are alone. We have no village. 💔
