The Answer is “No.”

I spoke to a pastor who has been a lawyer for nine years this year. One question he asked was about finances. I told him that I’d wanted to get a real picture of our financial position since last year but the guy has refused to send me bank statements. Totally refused. The most recent time I asked was Friday, and then yesterday morning. All I keep trying is a breakdown in Excel of how much our household is using.

I told the gentleman that when I asked what his medical aid costs each month, seeing as he took the children and I off his one and separated himself from the children and I, the answer was, “Look on the internet.”

He asked, “Did he ever respect you!?? Who answered like that??” I told him that that had ever been how I’m spoken to. In 2023 I started asking if that’s how he also answers his boss and stranger women. He asked me if I want to start a fight.

So yeah, it’s a no. He doesn’t respect me at all. That harlot will see his misogynistic side but she’s a gold digger with him for the money so maybe she sold her soul for it like she sold it for him.

I am tired. I am wide awake at 3am thanks to a non sleeping twin and the back pain, arm pain, hand pain, hip pain, foot pain, pelvic girdle pain and a pain that’s at the base of my SKULL making wearing my headscarf painful, are all also “awake!” I just need to be alone. Yesterday morning I killed myself, straining my body taking care of our children alone while he got his endorphin rush. I have asked him to at least exercise in the evenings on some days so I can exercise in the morning and he take care of the twins when they wake up. Or just so I can rest my body while we wait for the morning AS stiffness and pain to depart.

It hasn’t happened because.. only he should get exercise, clearly. By night time, I’m in too much pain to do it after they all eventually sleep, which I’m only sure of after ten pm.

I might as well be a single parent in my own space. Then there’d be nobody replying in an uncouth manner to me and I wouldn’t be woken by him going to go exercise while I wait for the door that will open and a child come galloping in after the other woke me already in the night.

I’m praying for relief and a miracle. I can’t take this when it’s all piled up like this.

Yesterday, I came to the bedroom to turn the humidifier on for my Sjögren’s dry nose, throat, eyes, mouth, skin and lungs. The dry cough it had been producing is awfully painful. I then also got some information together for an autism dad and tried to lie down and rest while doing that and also editing my Bible story video.

When the children came wanting something, I had to get up and as I drew closer to the kitchen, the smell of burnt pumpkin assaulted my nose. I’d forgotten I was also cooking😩 This happens often. I multitask so I can try get things done, emails sent, lessons planned any time the children are not interrupting me, and Vi has saved many a pot. This one made me sad.

The smell was worse than it looked! She saved the food?? as Shay’s, But what made me sad is how last week when the father was on leave, I had been cooking and then Little Miss I Pull You Everywhere, had taken me up and down. I opened the bedroom door and could smell the burning food?: P Thanks zzzzzzz n sa ya q?. He was right there. But he hadn’t turned it off. And it truly was burnt. So I had to start afresh with the cooking and it hurt. Hurt because there was an adult right there but they didn’t care to help, because it and it hurt physically.

It’s better to suffer alone while alone than to suffer alone when there’s someone who is meant to partner with you in the home.

In the words of Queen ‘mmmm, “I want to break free!”