Fear

Guys, my chest is wrong. At night, it crackles. I couldn’t walk for exercise on the walking pad for very long. My lungs felt sore. And two hours later, I feel like I have holes in my lungs but at the same time, they feel constricted. I feel shaky like I used a nebuliser with steroids. I’m also very sleepy. Is my iron ok? I don’t know. I just know I’m not great and I am hoping the infection didn’t reduce my lung function even more.

Time will tell.

I can’t ever get enough of our non speaker when she speaks!

I’m counting down till the children’s father moves to his own place. It’s just a few more days. Before the actual divorce decree will be out. I can’t wait. I’ll be able to sleep till my body, or a twin, wakes me up. No more 4:30am wake up when I’ve only slept at midnight thanks to a twin.

I’ll be able to move around without feeling guilty for living while he’s taking a Sunday afternoon nap.

I’ll be able to exercise at night without feeling guilty about his need to sleep at exactly 8pm.

I’ll be living only with people who love me. And I can’t express how that aspect makes me feel. It is extremely exhausting being civil to someone you want to stone to death. It’s very hard being ok when you’re living with someone who hates you. And as a Christian, I am ashamed of him. I agree fully with what the husband of his harlot said when he said he’s a hypocrite.

I, who always taught not to be unequally yoked, have been unequally yoked for far too long.

I want to be loved. But wow, if my younger single friend can’t find a good man, there’s no way an older special needs mother ever will. And that’s ok, kind of. I just know that I’d flourish if I could be loved the way I gave love. It sure would be medicine for my bones!

But, I’ve been unloved and celibate for over year.. what’s another decade or three? And no, Mr Uber Driver, I have NOT bought any toys to make up for the loss of human intimacy.🫣

I had a driver with absolutely no boundaries. He came here after working in Gauteng. Taxi drivers there are violent because they see Uber and Bolt etc as competition and wrong. They attack and beat. This Uber Driver who asked about toys has even hugged a female passenger who’d requested a ride, pretending she’s his wife so that the taxi drivers who were accusing him of being a driver would not assault him. She too played along because she too didn’t want to be attacked for using ‘the competition.’ Thankfully, he knew her name from the app so he acted convincingly. But a different time, they started demanding that he fondle her if she’s really his wife. He told them it’s private stuff that goes against his culture to do publicly but he was willing to…

The passenger was traumatised! “You were REALLY going to fondle me!!?”🙈

I could never.

Life is crazy. I thought I’d have a healthy sex life till the day I drop dead. My ex best friend once walked into her grandparents’ bedroom and they were active-age 88 and 90. It shocked her. Like they did it on purpose to make her blush.😂 She was telling me how it’s disgusting at their age, they should have some decorum. 😅

Long may happy marriages continue. As for me, I’m jaded. A cousin in law who has been living separately and will very likely divorce her husband, said she had a nice afternoon because there was a wedding.

For me, that’s just signing up for heartache-be it the woman or the man. I had a friend who cheated on her husband, so I don’t trust any gender anymore. Women can be just as cruel as the men I know. I feel fear for the couple’s future when I hear of a wedding and have since 2016. I can’t rejoice. I’m glad she isn’t jaded. And this is with no relative of hers being a good faithful spouse either.