Alone

Wow.

I am so alone.

I am in so much physical pain. Tired. Fatigued.

I haven’t had even 5 minutes of peace and silence. No break. No rest. It’s 15:04 and I haven’t even taken my morning meds. I am tired and sad.

My dear non speaker kept me up till after 4am which is when she eventually slept. I feel haggard and broken. Truly broken.

If it wasn’t for Flydah’s already having worried about me and how I’ll survive the day, I’d truly feel forsaken and .. alone. I need a hug. The hug that sits with you in your sorrow. That hears and sympathises. That holds because no words can be found.

Even as I type, the tears flow down my face.

I can’t do this.

And you don’t even know the half of it.

Let’s just say it would be safest if my 11 year old was institutionalised. But she’s not. Instead I’m trying to contain her, when she’s even worse than normal, and hope when she erupts it won’t be with blood all over her hands after cutting herself with a knife stolen from my crafts, I hope it won’t be with stomping on the roof…I don’t have the energy to do this.

And I’m in a flare. Slowly but surely, my body has been giving in. Mirrors the dangerous chaos I’m enveloped in.

I long to be able to write the sunny posts I used to churn out in 2009. But things have changed dramatically. This is a dark and lonely blog.

I am so sorry. I am empty. I still don’t pray for myself, only for others.

This was a very boring post again! Sorry!