Author: Grace by any other name

Wow.

I am so alone.

I am in so much physical pain. Tired. Fatigued.

I haven’t had even 5 minutes of peace and silence. No break. No rest. It’s 15:04 and I haven’t even taken my morning meds. I am tired and sad.

My dear non speaker kept me up till after 4am which is when she eventually slept. I feel haggard and broken. Truly broken.

If it wasn’t for Flydah’s already having worried about me and how I’ll survive the day, I’d truly feel forsaken and .. alone. I need a hug. The hug that sits with you in your sorrow. That hears and sympathises. That holds because no words can be found.

Even as I type, the tears flow down my face.

I can’t do this.

And you don’t even know the half of it.

Let’s just say it would be safest if my 11 year old was institutionalised. But she’s not. Instead I’m trying to contain her, when she’s even worse than normal, and hope when she erupts it won’t be with blood all over her hands after cutting herself with a knife stolen from my crafts, I hope it won’t be with stomping on the roof…I don’t have the energy to do this.

And I’m in a flare. Slowly but surely, my body has been giving in. Mirrors the dangerous chaos I’m enveloped in.

I long to be able to write the sunny posts I used to churn out in 2009. But things have changed dramatically. This is a dark and lonely blog.

I am so sorry. I am empty. I still don’t pray for myself, only for others.

This was a very boring post again! Sorry!

Oh, the cry and lamentations of great Bible men. It echoes through the ages and finds a lodging place in my own heart. But also, it’s a rhetorical question. The devil rewards his own. That’s why fortune tellers were rich. That’s why all the necromancers God said should be killed existed. They gained from their evil and so continued it. I say it more as a “Really God!? Their time is up! Sort them out!”😅

This is part of a list my ex’s mistress sent to him to edit. He added his comments in red. It’s a list of what she wanted in her divorce from her poor husband. I often wonder what would have happened if the poor man had shot him like he’d said he’d would in 2016.

I know I’d have been a very reluctant witness because I clearly understand why in a theocracy, adultery, found out by two people or more, deserved stoning to death. I’d not have sued the husband for earning lost in some civil suit. It’s what adulterers deserve and will get if they don’t stop.

But he’d have ended up in prison. And that would have been very unfair on him as the innocent party. There are only two who deserve punishment and it’s not the angry man who asked if our church teaches their preachers to be hypocrites.

So here I am. He didn’t get shot and years later, went back -as I told them in my joint email-like a dog to its vomit. And so, a year after luring her away from her family, they were discussing her divorcing the poor man. And I know my ex helped stir the pot and added to whatever complaint she manufactured for him being the bad spouse.

Back in 2016, my ex told me sorrowfully, “Poor Ntsiki. Her husband didn’t collect her from the airport tonight like you collected me. He’s so selfish. He said he has things to do so she had to take an Uber.” Of course I asked what was wrong with that. So what? Many people use Uber. And why SHOULD the man have to put himself out for a course their work had offered them but was not necessary? I myself didn’t want to be driving those dark and dangerous N2 streets at night. But I loved him. And it was cheaper than using Uber like “poor harlot Ntsiki.”

The evil prosper. I asked my ex’s ex sister in law… Let me back up. Once upon a time, there was a wedding in Zimbabwe. A young girl from Botswana was marrying my ex’s brother in Zimbabwe. She doesn’t know it, but the brother was engaged to another girl but the family didn’t like her because they ate Ndebele and she is Shona. My MIL would not have liked to have mixed grandchildren though she always remained friends with the former daughter in law to be. Lobola had even been paid. But brother in law met the Botswana girl and saw that she was an easier victim. She was less sophisticated and knelt to serve him while the Shona one didn’t kneel. And so, he married her after breaking off his engagement.

One day, I heard sister in law had tried to commit suicide. Why? Because my ex brother in law had been unfaithful and she’d found out. The focus was on how she dared do that with their baby in the house.

When I got to meet up with ex SIL, it turned out that after I told her about an Oprah show where a wife caught her husband’s infidelity by going through his mail, she’d done the same..and found the evidence. Never using condom. Many women. Swinging parties.

But the worst part was the MONEY. The generational curse is deep, because both brothers used the same adulterer’s playbook inherited from both unfaithful parents. She was a homemaker. Just like me. Our ex mother in law hated it. She told everyone that we were “finishing” her sons’ money. But it was ok for his mistresses to use even more money than the family he’d built before God.

Where SIL was getting 3000 Kenyan shillings a month, the mistress was being given 30 000 Ksh despite her being employed. He took the wife to a cheap holiday accommodation and took the mistress on the luxury version.

And just like me, her lament was, “I thought I was marrying a godly preacher, but…”

I was heartbroken. I think her family had either come to hear of his unfaithfulness (He pursued one of the mistresses before his wedding, while engaged to Ms Botswana.) or didn’t trust the family background. My MIL had children with three men, one of whom was married and she married to my father in law when conceived. While my father in law was an ex serial philanderer, amassing 26 children from various women. Not the kind of family that will take care of your niece and daughter. So at the last minute, her widowed mother and uncle had withdrawn permission for the wedding. Permission was needed because she was 20 years old and in Botswana the legal age of marriage was 21.

She’d run away. Left Botswana after sneaking away with her passport. They were just having a blessing then waiting a bit as her 21st birthday was a month after the planned wedding date.

Imagine running away and finding out you’d run to a nightmare. She couldn’t go home, they’d tell her they’d tried to warn her! She had no money. No work permit for Kenya. Trapped. Sad. So she tried to go to sleep forever so she could forget what he’d done and the pain disappear. (Her words.)

Eventually he said they should divorce. I’d begged him to get counseling and not break their family up. But it was not to be. And then he did the same to the second wife who divorced him too.

But it was the money. The money is what hurt my first ex sister in law the most. We give a lot of ourselves when we marry for love and for God. We truly thought the men preaching at the pulpit believed what they were saying, and we wanted to be equally yoked with believers. But they were fraudster thieves. And while we wives toiled to support them, they repaid us by giving salaries women what we who worked in their homes deserved.

It is extremely painful to need to buy clothes and be told harshly that there’s no money, and then find out he was giving away way more than enough for triple the amount of clothes. The harlots became rich from their homewrecking. When my sister in law told the husband of one of the women, he then cheated too and she felt guilty for telling him. I wouldn’t have felt guilty. You don’t mess with AIDS and other STD.

It’s extremely painful to be told you can’t afford to send your very challenging children to school to find out there is money, but it’s financing a flat for a mistress and her two sons. I know her pain. It is mine.🥹

I look at what the evil ones can afford as listed above. Schools, multiple au pairs, daycare. A whole LOT of staff to take care of two children, one of whom is at least 12 years old. And the other ten years old. (When they met the first time, she was pregnant with the second one.)

I can’t even afford one au pair. Let alone schools. I never could. I am sick and need them, but I can’t get them. The psycholoist who asked if I’m not going to kill myself knows the weight on the mind.

Helplessness and constant pain, betrayal, and wasting of money on church members, cheating siblings, weird endeavours you’d refused, and mistresses, when you’ve given your all, when even your ex said you’d been an exemplary wife will kill you if you don’t have an Anchor.

If he’d listened to me, I’d not owe much on this house. My children and I would be able to move out and go where there are more resources. We’d have funds for schools. Instead we are paying off a mortgage because he chose to play with over half a million Rand despite my begging it not be done, and without my knowledge of other monies being given away in the tens of thousands like to the church left who said he admires him. How does one not go insane from such terrible injustice and evil?

While her healthy self and his healthy rich self prosper and have leisure time galore, I carry the children as I always have. He lives in silence and peace. He fully gets to be the bachelor he lived as if he was. She gets her salary and my children’s money. She sits on furniture he bought.

And what does he gain? He continues lying to churches acting like he’s still married and is a devoted daddy and worried husband. The image building continues. The accolades and praise, the preaching invitations where he sets himself up as the standard of Christianity keep coming while I search for therapists and make appointments with psychiatrists for broken children. Children we made and adopted together.

I know one reason why the evil prosper.

I also know it won’t be forever. That is what I cling to. Justice will come. All the money stolen from our children will be recompensed. All the heartache will be healed. Three months after the comment was made, Amarissa my 12 year old, finally understood what her father was implying.

Around three months ago, he mentioned needing to repeat his driving license renewal eye test and I reminded him about the optometrist who had said he needs glasses. Today out of the blue, clearly also processing her life under her father, my angel said, “Wait s minute, mommy. If daddy said glasses make you look ugly and he’d rather die than ever wear glasses, does it mean he’s saying YOU are ugly!!!??

I just hope we never let go of the Anchor. We cannot become like the ones we discarded or were discarded by. We need to stay focused on keeping our feet in the narrow way and our eyes lifted up even as we find each wound and bandage it up.

Though I must say, I’ve seen the downfall of two adulterers sooner than the one coming on judgment day. The evil doesn’t always prosper even on a planet where the father of lies is still the prince of darkness.

The elder whose wife cheated on him in 2016 and left him at the same time I was finding out about my cheating spouse prospered for a while. He was prospering when he asked me if I was divorcing so that he could marry me. He was prospering when he confessed he’d beaten his wife often and was a serial adulterer, even sleeping with his wife’s sister. He was prospering when he afforded to rent a large home for her and the children in an expensive suburb while building a large home in Zimbabwe and also affording good accommodation for himself and school fees for his special needs and unaffected sons.

He was prospering when his brothers who knew what he was doing nominated him to become an elder. He was fine financially when they chose for him to bully her at home about not eating meat, nor dressing right from the pulpit and at home while he slept with anyone in a skirt or pants…

I have always objected and called for discipline. Those who see me elsewhere online know I had even asked my ex to have US disciplined for fornication. (Yeah, I was truly a perfect victim for a narcissist. Too willing to be punished even though now I look back and realise that his shaming me for not wanting to even be kissed, pressuring me was coercive control-a crime in the UK.) I’d have done the same for the wife assaulting elder. I hope she one day realises I didn’t know about his cruelty and evil and so wasn’t encouraging him to feel invincible like the knowing members (three families besides the deacon brother and serving elder brother.) if she thought I knew.

And I am glad I didn’t marry him back in 2016. His evil didn’t prosper as long as that of my ex’s. He recently asked my ex for a job.

As I told my friend, “I’d be miserable and starving if I’d married him! At least staying with the known devil made me miserable while eating.” We have to take our silver linings where we can!

Not all the evil ones prosper. Brother in law also became unemployed and apparently unemployable (I don’t know why) so my ex mother in law funded the second marriage that ended with his infidelity.

They don’t always prosper like my ex and his harlot are.

I’d rather be desperate for schools and au pairs in purity and walking in my integrity, than to sell my soul for temporary happiness in cruelty and injustice .🙏🏾

How about you?

I wonder what would happen if I used my real name for this blog. Would she find it and know I cared about her and hated how she’d been treated? Would she ever know that while church Shona women were saying we must pray for her because she was suddenly not acting Christian, I didn’t know her HUSBAND had been cheating for years before yet nobody had prayed he stop?😭💔

Why!?

I was still thinking of shutting this down! It’s not like I don’t know my regular commenter personally, so I can just ‘blog’ directly to her!

Now I have to say something! But I don’t know why you’re following me. One American girl was here because she’s homeschooling and she was interested in knowing how others do it. But I rarely blog about it. Not that there isn’t much to say. So I might as well say it now!

Our tutor is not tutoring well at all. Lack of good English, and just general what I thought was common sense, mean that I’m not comfortable with him teaching my son. But I literally physically cannot do it all myself. And schools..? You might know that story. I did find an ‘autism school’ in our neighborhood except they don’t have a playground. And it’s two office rooms on the first floor, not ground floor, of a small office park! They have small fake grass in a classroom with desks. It’s all cramped up and not suitable for little children. I mentioned the playground thing and the owner thought I’d be satisfied with them taking the children to a public park three times a week. No way! My son can’t handle children, smells, noise…Imagine him stuck inside a small classroom with everyone doing different things! Not ADHD friendly. Not even neurotypical friendly!

It was one we could -at a push-have afforded. It’s one that accepts non potty trained children. But they don’t want you to send the child’s facilitator with the child. No way I’m trusting my best scared of strangers non verbal angel with .. strangers who don’t even want to get to know her, understand her signals. Not that she should ever lose her facilitator anyway. But if they’d agreed to have him there until she’s settled fully, I’d have taken them seriously as people caring about the children. But really, it’s just to make money. The school work is printed pages, one at a time. Nobody and a workbook, school book…It’s a babysitting service at a high price with poor service.

I am so sorry it’s a blurred picture. But I was sneaking it on our empty road, with rain, as I was pulling in. I wanted to show you so you believe me. Not that I lie, but I know other bloggers who do, so I like to have evidence.

The child in yellow boots is our mostly non verbal baby girl. And the one holding the umbrella is our facilitator. During the week, I asked the children’s father if he could watch the children while I’m at the dentist fixing a tooth crumbled by Sjögren’s disease. He said no, he will be at church all day. My friend had sniffles and a weird chest so we weren’t sure she wasn’t infectious still from her lingering cold.

Now here’s the thing. We’d had an eventful week. We had reduced the antipsychotic my 11 year old is on, even more, to try reduce her appetite and it didn’t go well at all! She got angry over a minor thing and banged her head on the wall hard and for a prolonged time. The siblings -who can reason- got scared and anxious so I told the tutor to take them for a drive. She was crying loudly and it was just too traumatic for them. Remember, both have sound sensitivity. Now add distressing sound and you have very stressed children.

Before he left, the tutor asked if I was sure I’d be ok.

I looked at him and said, “I hope so!” I was scared. I’ve never been scared of her. I didn’t know what she’d do. She was acting demented. Or demon possessed. Or both.

Then she did THIS. And I was petrified. Those few steps were filled with many prayers. She’s never taken a knife in that manner before either. It’s scary how necessary these meds are!! I told her she needed some tea and to put sugar in. They usually have honey and the sugar is for our helper, but I felt like sugar would be better. When she’d been banging her head, I had not been able to get through to her. It’s like she was in a fugue state or dream. But this time, she responded.

And she went to go sit down. And she calmed down enough to even ask me why she reacted so extremely.

It was after I sent her father videos of both. To which he dismissively replied that she’s just copying something from somewhere. Yeah, and then if she dies? It’s still pathological! After these incidents, knowing my eldest wouldn’t manage all four with their differing wants, alone while I’m at the dentist, is when I asked their sperm donor and adopter, if he would come and watch the children and keep them safe.

And that’s when he said no, he’d be at church all day.

And that didn’t change even after Friday when she cut her hands and smeared the blood around, sucking it and spreading it by blowing on it with a straw. So shocking that even he said I just get her committed.

And so that is why our tutor offered to come spend some time on a Saturday, to keep my children safe.

My poor girl is growing still. NOT good. How long will her body fight before moving from its current pre diabetic state to diabetic? I noticed she was still getting puffier so I asked if we could weigh her. Within two weeks she’s gone from 67kg to 70.5kg (71 a day ago). She wakes at midnight, or 1am, she once made so much noise rustling around in the fridge at 3am that it woke me.

This is last night’s snack. As the doctor said, “Imagine how bad things would be if she was eating UNHEALTHY food!”

Next week, I’ll be emailing both doctors. Just so they know we sure aren’t MAINTAINING weight but also she’s getting taller too and growing which obviously makes you gain weight. But how much is NORMAL!?

This is worrying. I’ve seen diabetes. All those body positivity people should show us their blood test results and fitness reports.

My girl has stretch marks where I never knew they can grow. Serrated dark marks on her arm, around it as if wearing a thick black bracelet on her upper arm. I used to see little children who were extremely obese and used to wonder what disease they had.

I don’t know what my girl has. Surely half an Abilify of the smallest dose shouldn’t be this bad with causing hunger!? Can it be?

I chose to marry. I chose to marry a broken person who pretended he was allowing God to mould him into His character. I did that willingly, naively. I assumed people meant what they said. Especially in the church and on the pulpit! Little did I know that the Pharisees weren’t only in the New Testament. What did Jesus say about them? He told the crowd to do what they say and not what they do, because they don’t obey God.

My children didn’t choose their parents, contrary to what an in law believes. (I really need to stop talking to people as if they have sense when they’ve already shown they’re in cloud cuckoo land! I mean, this is the same in law who once said said her spiritual guide spoke to Zelensky and averted the war. Did the guide die? Given there’s been war now for a while?) I made the mistaken of telling her how I regret the father I created a family with because the children had no choice. She claims they were conscious souls who were able to reason and then became babies for the sake of it. No conscious soul would choose abusive parents.

I feel guilty. On Monday, it was a public holiday. As our ten year spotted his father, he said in a disappointed tone, “I forgot it’s holiday so dad’s still here.”

Ouch.

This evening, Amarissa told her little sister that their father won’t have moved out on Sabbath. My little girl’s shoulders slumped, “Oh man…” My heart broke all over again. I asked why she’s sad he won’t be gone yet. She said he’s too cruel and mean and rude. 💔😭 She put on a stern voice, pointed her finger and copied his cold, “Neilo, come on. Hurry up.”

What soul would choose to be fathered by someone so disappointing and depressing?

I told the children their father will be away this night as he’s off to the city his floozy is in. The reply was swift from my dear 11 year old girl, “Good!” Made her eldest brother laugh!

I made this mess for my children. All I can do is try undo it as best I can. And pray God protects the children during visitation.

I exercised DURING THE DAY TODAY! Usually, I have to wait till my girl is asleep, which can be midnight or ten pm like last night. I can’t relax and exercise when I know she might come in and pull me, so I have to be sure she’s dead asleep. And by then, AS pain is at its worst. So to do my shoulders and back during the day, uninterrupted, was amazing for me! The children went for a super long drive that allowed me to record their nature lesson and exercise! Woohoo!

It’s the little things.

Another little thing is my new laminator! My other one served me faithfully for 14 years. And it had been cheap! R329.00. But, it was getting tired, crumpling up my work. So I had to put it out to pasture and replace it. I upgraded. This one has a blade for me to cut with! So much faster!

Every little thing that makes my teaching life easier, is a privilege.

I’m in pain. From feet to shoulders. It’s been a bad day today. I also think changing diapers wasn’t a good thing to do! I couldn’t even study in the morning because of the pain. And no matter how many tablets I took, it didn’t make a dent in the pain throughout the day. Do you know how long it had been since I had foot pain!? Ugh! It’s like someone drilled into my heels and is hammering the drill bit into my bones.

In the meantime, I’ll be thankful for one last little thing. The excitement my six year old feels when it’s Computing class. She can go on and on! I know it’s because she enjoys entering code into a robot and watching it follow her commands more than just the learning, but it’s cool! She never gets tired of programming that little thing.

Also, her excitement when she finds something that alludes to God. It’s like I’ve not been telling her for three years now that we’re using Christian curricula! “It’s talking about God! Does that means it’s Christian!??”’with a big smile on her little face. I don’t know why, but it’s refusing to upload my little video. The conversations are so random. Today, I found out she thought Jesus was God’s friend. Now, bear in mind, I’ve explained God to them. And I’ve told them Jesus is God the Son. But the brain is mushy so the information hasn’t stuck.

I love how I told her it’s like her and me. I asked if we are friends and she said yes.🫣😅And then I told her she’s my child. So Jesus is like God’s child and they are one family that loves each other. Sorry if that isn’t how you’d put it. I have a neurodivergent angel whose memory retention skills are poor. Just run with it!

The means to afford everything I need for the children’s education? A big thing I’m thankful for.🙏🏾

And one last thing? My girl interrupted my first meal of the day 19:05 because she wanted the lamp. She wants it on but it can only be on when plugged in. She wants to walk around with it. I hate autism and intellectual disability. Will she ever stop wanting the impossible and insisting on it? Will she ever be able to understand and reason when we explain why what she wants can’t be done?

I don’t know.

And that’s a big thing because it disturbs school time, rest time or meal time and she herself is unhappy.